Open Closed Hands & Learning to Save Myself

[catelin]

I had been a turning over a connection in my mind over the last couple of months. I held it up to the light on several occasions to examine it closely from all sorts of different perspectives. See, I'm a person who puts a lot of heart into my communions with other people. And while it may seem a spontaneous act that occurs without the slightest hesitation on my part, that is not the case. I am a very shy person. That is my nature, and it has made me extremely contemplative and prone to wary observation of people before I finally reach for an open hand, or extend one of my own. I do not take every hand that is offered me simply because it is open. I never have. If I take a hand, there's been some thought put into it. If I offer a hand, it is a well-considered act of faith. It is walking off the top of a skyscraper because I have decided I can trust you to catch me. It is because I have recognized that you are part of my tribe and I am part of yours---family of sorts. Then it becomes about love and loyalty and knowing, of telling without being asked, of doing right by the hands we're holding. These are my friendships; and while I've been left to clean my own splattered body off the pavement a couple of times, it's a belief so deeply ingrained in me that I couldn't change it if I tried. This particular hand that glittered so brightly and held my attention for so long was much harder to hold onto than I anticipated. I grasped it so tightly that I couldn't even feel my own fingers anymore. Then I did the unthinkable. I relaxed my grip and let myself fall. It hurt terribly. All the way down I could feel the awful knot in my gut from the loss. I even had a couple of good cries about midway down. But I landed on my feet. No broken bones. No internal injuries. So, here I am, at this age---with all my idealized girlish notions of Best Friends Forever and Made For Each Other still intact---dusting off my skirt and walking away. There's much to be said for finally learning the value of letting go and still believing in the value of what I gave. I am grateful for the lesson.

Comments

[theotoky.livejournal.com]

Your words are beautiful. Congratulations on landing on your feet, living well and learning.

[catelin.livejournal.com]

Thank you. I'm amazed sometimes at how much I underestimate my ability to do the healthy thing without dire consequences. The irony of my warped perspective sometimes makes me laugh at myself!

[devilbadtz.livejournal.com]

Beautifully written, and well-said!

[catelin.livejournal.com]

Thanks. I read your journal all the time even though I hardly comment. I'm always hoping for a good outcome for you and your friend.

Forgive me, I'm dark tonight.

[lolliejean.livejournal.com]

So, here I am, at this age---with all my idealized girlish notions of Best Friends Forever and Made For Each Other still intact

Yeah, me too. Sometimes I think it keeps me hovering between the lines. Hoping, longing for something that isn't really out there. Or if it's out there then for *whatever* reason I'm not going to find it. Or if I find it I won't recognize it. Or maybe it won't satisfy this place inside of me that feels like a big black hole tonight. Tonight I am the lonely only. If I was a writer I'd write a lovely angsty song about it.

Re: Forgive me, I'm dark tonight.

[catelin.livejournal.com]

I've had those nights...they suck. If you lived closer, I'd fill the blender with tequila and tell you to come on over for a soak in the hot tub.

Re: Forgive me, I'm dark tonight.

[lolliejean.livejournal.com]

Ahhh. That would be the perfect remedy. :::checking flight schedules::: : )

Re: Forgive me, I'm dark tonight.

[catelin.livejournal.com]

Anytime, sister.

Big hugs in the meantime.


B.F.F.

Hehehe!! ; )

Re: Forgive me, I'm dark tonight.

[lolliejean.livejournal.com]

>>B.F.F.

This made my day! How the hell am I s'posed to maintain my angsty miserableness with that out there? xxoo

[daisydumont.livejournal.com]

oh, cate. i am going to clip this, if i may, and put it into a file to reread. i have written several poems, over years, about clenched hands, about holding on too long after it hurts, etc. this is great, that you didn't splatter.

bright blessings!

[catelin.livejournal.com]

Clip away...I should actually clip this one to my fridge. And my bathroom mirror. And, come to think of it, my forehead!! Hee!! ; )

[channelinglucy.livejournal.com]

I can really relate to your words here and find myself in a similar situation. Actually it seems to be a pattern I keep repeating, with the lesson being to trust my intuition and inner strength.

Same Here!

[ex-muzer409.livejournal.com]

Yes. Yes. Yes!

Thanks again, Cate. You're a remakable being.
Beauteous synthesist of outside/inside/otherside.

[stardances.livejournal.com]

As ever, thoughtfully written, quite simply poet breath of feeling. I have been considering friendship a great deal lately myself...just as you referred to your friends as a tribe I think of all friends as sisters/brothers...extended family, very tribe like. You are a good friend, to hold hands silently, it is not something I have ever mastered. Ever feeling the need to offer suggestions and trying for all it is worth to effect a positive change. Endeavoring to mother the weary torn world, often the only option is silence.
I am sorry for your loss and happy for your gain.

[catelin.livejournal.com]

I have the very same tendencies, but I've learned that sometimes people can hear the right thing to do better when it's quiet. I'm real good at biting my tongue! ; )

[quiet-life.livejournal.com]

I went through something like that about 4 years ago- and it shook my foundations for awhile- and I was 40 by the time it happened. Friendships had come ang gone through a sort of natural attrition, but I had not been used or backstabbed to that point, because I tend to be cautious about friendship (vs. acquaintance). It was the first time that I realized that someone I trusted so much as a friend had flown under my radar screen-and it took some time for me to let it go, and do as you have done. While I still flinch over being taken in by a good con, I do realize that what she did was her choice/responsibility and not my fault.
I admit that sometimes I still revisit the issues wondering about the whole thing.
I do agree with you; eventually you just have to let it go as a life lesson.

[catelin.livejournal.com]

Betrayal is always a hard thing to understand coming from the people you love. In my case, it simply became a case of me overestimating the kind of relationship we had. I don't know that I can blame anyone for that...not even myself. But it's always best to move ahead and not dwell, in almost any situation.

Words

[jourdannex.livejournal.com]

Amazing Catelin. Your writing seems to touch a spot from within I don't think we all can always find. Yet you find a way to convey the words so effortlessly. I am always so grateful when I come across your posts that you are out there, you make this all worth it.

Re: Words

[catelin.livejournal.com]

Thanks for that. I admire your writing so much (shades of Dorothy Parker), so your compliment is much appreciated. : )

[sorrento.livejournal.com]

Hey, on our date, let's go trampolining.

Re:

[catelin.livejournal.com]

We have a date??? And you didn't tell me!?!

Trampolining it is, my man! ; )

[nickelchief.livejournal.com]

i don't know you too well but this post moved me to say simply that i enjoy your posts, always look forward to them, and admire your creative work as well (belated congratulations for the gripping "washing dishes").

so ... there's some good thoughts coming your way from another corner of the world ...

[catelin.livejournal.com]

Thanks. I definitely can say the same about your posts. : )

Way with words

[fayzee.livejournal.com]

You express what many of us need to learn, to let go; and let go gracefully, not always easy, but always a lesson. I find, at my age, the lesson was much harder than I thought I could handle, still, I have survived and the knot in my gut has receded and I have started to sing and whistle again...reading your words made me know others go through heartbreaks and survive...I will too!
Thanks for letting me read your journal...fayzee

Re: Way with words

[catelin.livejournal.com]

You'd think that lessons would somehow get easier to learn as one gets older. Seems like the hard ones never get easier. But you're right; we survive. We even rejoice. And that's the beauty of the lesson in the end, I suppose. : )

Reply

[fayzee.livejournal.com]

I'm pretty old, and no, it doesn't get easier; whatever happened, I wouldn't have missed the acquaintance for anything; I found a kindred spirit, and the time we had together was special; now to move on, lessons learned, and there is so much I want to do yet in my life, and I look forward to each new day...fayzee