Open Closed Hands & Learning to Save Myself

[catelin]

I had been a turning over a connection in my mind over the last couple of months. I held it up to the light on several occasions to examine it closely from all sorts of different perspectives. See, I'm a person who puts a lot of heart into my communions with other people. And while it may seem a spontaneous act that occurs without the slightest hesitation on my part, that is not the case. I am a very shy person. That is my nature, and it has made me extremely contemplative and prone to wary observation of people before I finally reach for an open hand, or extend one of my own. I do not take every hand that is offered me simply because it is open. I never have. If I take a hand, there's been some thought put into it. If I offer a hand, it is a well-considered act of faith. It is walking off the top of a skyscraper because I have decided I can trust you to catch me. It is because I have recognized that you are part of my tribe and I am part of yours---family of sorts. Then it becomes about love and loyalty and knowing, of telling without being asked, of doing right by the hands we're holding. These are my friendships; and while I've been left to clean my own splattered body off the pavement a couple of times, it's a belief so deeply ingrained in me that I couldn't change it if I tried. This particular hand that glittered so brightly and held my attention for so long was much harder to hold onto than I anticipated. I grasped it so tightly that I couldn't even feel my own fingers anymore. Then I did the unthinkable. I relaxed my grip and let myself fall. It hurt terribly. All the way down I could feel the awful knot in my gut from the loss. I even had a couple of good cries about midway down. But I landed on my feet. No broken bones. No internal injuries. So, here I am, at this age---with all my idealized girlish notions of Best Friends Forever and Made For Each Other still intact---dusting off my skirt and walking away. There's much to be said for finally learning the value of letting go and still believing in the value of what I gave. I am grateful for the lesson.

Comments

[channelinglucy.livejournal.com]

I can really relate to your words here and find myself in a similar situation. Actually it seems to be a pattern I keep repeating, with the lesson being to trust my intuition and inner strength.

Same Here!

[ex-muzer409.livejournal.com]

Yes. Yes. Yes!

Thanks again, Cate. You're a remakable being.
Beauteous synthesist of outside/inside/otherside.