Open Closed Hands & Learning to Save Myself

[catelin]

I had been a turning over a connection in my mind over the last couple of months. I held it up to the light on several occasions to examine it closely from all sorts of different perspectives. See, I'm a person who puts a lot of heart into my communions with other people. And while it may seem a spontaneous act that occurs without the slightest hesitation on my part, that is not the case. I am a very shy person. That is my nature, and it has made me extremely contemplative and prone to wary observation of people before I finally reach for an open hand, or extend one of my own. I do not take every hand that is offered me simply because it is open. I never have. If I take a hand, there's been some thought put into it. If I offer a hand, it is a well-considered act of faith. It is walking off the top of a skyscraper because I have decided I can trust you to catch me. It is because I have recognized that you are part of my tribe and I am part of yours---family of sorts. Then it becomes about love and loyalty and knowing, of telling without being asked, of doing right by the hands we're holding. These are my friendships; and while I've been left to clean my own splattered body off the pavement a couple of times, it's a belief so deeply ingrained in me that I couldn't change it if I tried. This particular hand that glittered so brightly and held my attention for so long was much harder to hold onto than I anticipated. I grasped it so tightly that I couldn't even feel my own fingers anymore. Then I did the unthinkable. I relaxed my grip and let myself fall. It hurt terribly. All the way down I could feel the awful knot in my gut from the loss. I even had a couple of good cries about midway down. But I landed on my feet. No broken bones. No internal injuries. So, here I am, at this age---with all my idealized girlish notions of Best Friends Forever and Made For Each Other still intact---dusting off my skirt and walking away. There's much to be said for finally learning the value of letting go and still believing in the value of what I gave. I am grateful for the lesson.

Comments

[nickelchief.livejournal.com]

i don't know you too well but this post moved me to say simply that i enjoy your posts, always look forward to them, and admire your creative work as well (belated congratulations for the gripping "washing dishes").

so ... there's some good thoughts coming your way from another corner of the world ...

[catelin.livejournal.com]

Thanks. I definitely can say the same about your posts. : )