States of Being

I am slowly starting to feel back to myself again, after a few days of really grieving. For several days, I couldn't wake up or go to sleep without weeping. Yesterday was the first day that I woke up and looked around, thinking nothing more to myself than it was time to get on with my day. No wondering how I could have been so wrong, no pondering what might have been. In fact, the sadness is being replaced now by a growing excitement about getting home and having a fresh start in a place I love. I have already started laying the groundwork for going into private practice once I get back to Texas. It's going to be a little strange, working on the other side of fence, but there's honor to be found in defending people's rights as well as prosecuting cases. I left my job with an impeccable reputation and much good will, so I think it's a perfect time for me to strike out on my own. I have the support of several of the best lawyers in town, who have already told me they have plenty of work to throw my way. One of them is even giving me some free office space for several months. I'm scared about taking such a drastic plunge, but everyone I've spoken to has reassured me that I won't make any less than what I was making as a public servant even in the worst months in private practice. I don't know what I'll do if I actually start making some money! I'm so used to being poor and overworked, I can't even imagine myself making money like that.

So how do I go from being a prosecutor to a defense lawyer? It's not really as hard a transition as one would think. Because criminal work is a process, with rules that need to be followed...and you can do a good job for a client, even a guilty client (which...hello, most of them are), without having to behave like a scumbag. Are there some cases I won't take? As I told the amazing lacyunderall last night, it's all about pricing the undesireable cases out. Chester the Molester comes to me and wants me to take his case. My retainer will be his severed cock in a plastic bag plus a million dollars. My clientele will likely consist mostly of Spanish-speaking clients (since I'll be one of the very few bilingual lawyers in town) and doofy college kids who get busted for dope or DWI. I'm also going to talk to the county about handling felony appeals for indigent clients. All in all, I think that I can do good for people...just from a little different approach.

The excitement at my return and love that everyone has shown me makes me feel like I'm living my own version of It's a Wonderful Life. I have been given something that most people never get...a chance to go back to something realizing its true value to me.

The universe may not always move in ways that I can immediately translate, but it always ends up smiling on me. I wrote to Amanda yesterday that I see the edges of a dazzling future on the horizon. I'm so thankful that I have the strength not only to know better than to settle anymore, but to follow through with whatever it takes not to settle. I have finally freed myself from a lot of very old demons. I think coming here and having to find the truth in myself helped me to cast off some of those last few rotting ropes still tangled around my psyche.

I am going to enjoy the next few weeks I have here with David. There is no animosity between us. We still love each other very much. We both understand that once I leave here, our relationship as lovers will end and we will be friends. I really feel very sorry for him because I think that he is only going to begin to realize what he's lost after we're gone from here. But that's his row to hoe, not mine. His parents have already made it very clear that they still want to be a part of my children's lives, regardless of what David has done. I love them so much and they've been so good to my kids that I can't imagine them doing anything else. So my boys will still have the surrogate grandparents to visit in Queens. All in all, I think it's going to work out the best for everyone except David...which makes me sad, but also reaffirms my belief that what you do comes back to you threefold.