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I am slowly starting to feel back to myself again, after a few days of really grieving. For several days, I couldn't wake up or go to sleep without weeping. Yesterday was the first day that I woke up and looked around, thinking nothing more to myself than it was time to get on with my day. No wondering how I could have been so wrong, no pondering what might have been. In fact, the sadness is being replaced now by a growing excitement about getting home and having a fresh start in a place I love. I have already started laying the groundwork for going into private practice once I get back to Texas. It's going to be a little strange, working on the other side of fence, but there's honor to be found in defending people's rights as well as prosecuting cases. I left my job with an impeccable reputation and much good will, so I think it's a perfect time for me to strike out on my own. I have the support of several of the best lawyers in town, who have already told me they have plenty of work to throw my way. One of them is even giving me some free office space for several months. I'm scared about taking such a drastic plunge, but everyone I've spoken to has reassured me that I won't make any less than what I was making as a public servant even in the worst months in private practice. I don't know what I'll do if I actually start making some money! I'm so used to being poor and overworked, I can't even imagine myself making money like that.
So how do I go from being a prosecutor to a defense lawyer? It's not really as hard a transition as one would think. Because criminal work is a process, with rules that need to be followed...and you can do a good job for a client, even a guilty client (which...hello, most of them are), without having to behave like a scumbag. Are there some cases I won't take? As I told the amazing![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
lacyunderall last night, it's all about pricing the undesireable cases out. Chester the Molester comes to me and wants me to take his case. My retainer will be his severed cock in a plastic bag plus a million dollars. My clientele will likely consist mostly of Spanish-speaking clients (since I'll be one of the very few bilingual lawyers in town) and doofy college kids who get busted for dope or DWI. I'm also going to talk to the county about handling felony appeals for indigent clients. All in all, I think that I can do good for people...just from a little different approach.
The excitement at my return and love that everyone has shown me makes me feel like I'm living my own version of It's a Wonderful Life. I have been given something that most people never get...a chance to go back to something realizing its true value to me.
The universe may not always move in ways that I can immediately translate, but it always ends up smiling on me. I wrote to Amanda yesterday that I see the edges of a dazzling future on the horizon. I'm so thankful that I have the strength not only to know better than to settle anymore, but to follow through with whatever it takes not to settle. I have finally freed myself from a lot of very old demons. I think coming here and having to find the truth in myself helped me to cast off some of those last few rotting ropes still tangled around my psyche.
I am going to enjoy the next few weeks I have here with David. There is no animosity between us. We still love each other very much. We both understand that once I leave here, our relationship as lovers will end and we will be friends. I really feel very sorry for him because I think that he is only going to begin to realize what he's lost after we're gone from here. But that's his row to hoe, not mine. His parents have already made it very clear that they still want to be a part of my children's lives, regardless of what David has done. I love them so much and they've been so good to my kids that I can't imagine them doing anything else. So my boys will still have the surrogate grandparents to visit in Queens. All in all, I think it's going to work out the best for everyone except David...which makes me sad, but also reaffirms my belief that what you do comes back to you threefold.
So how do I go from being a prosecutor to a defense lawyer? It's not really as hard a transition as one would think. Because criminal work is a process, with rules that need to be followed...and you can do a good job for a client, even a guilty client (which...hello, most of them are), without having to behave like a scumbag. Are there some cases I won't take? As I told the amazing
lacyunderall last night, it's all about pricing the undesireable cases out. Chester the Molester comes to me and wants me to take his case. My retainer will be his severed cock in a plastic bag plus a million dollars. My clientele will likely consist mostly of Spanish-speaking clients (since I'll be one of the very few bilingual lawyers in town) and doofy college kids who get busted for dope or DWI. I'm also going to talk to the county about handling felony appeals for indigent clients. All in all, I think that I can do good for people...just from a little different approach.The excitement at my return and love that everyone has shown me makes me feel like I'm living my own version of It's a Wonderful Life. I have been given something that most people never get...a chance to go back to something realizing its true value to me.
The universe may not always move in ways that I can immediately translate, but it always ends up smiling on me. I wrote to Amanda yesterday that I see the edges of a dazzling future on the horizon. I'm so thankful that I have the strength not only to know better than to settle anymore, but to follow through with whatever it takes not to settle. I have finally freed myself from a lot of very old demons. I think coming here and having to find the truth in myself helped me to cast off some of those last few rotting ropes still tangled around my psyche.
I am going to enjoy the next few weeks I have here with David. There is no animosity between us. We still love each other very much. We both understand that once I leave here, our relationship as lovers will end and we will be friends. I really feel very sorry for him because I think that he is only going to begin to realize what he's lost after we're gone from here. But that's his row to hoe, not mine. His parents have already made it very clear that they still want to be a part of my children's lives, regardless of what David has done. I love them so much and they've been so good to my kids that I can't imagine them doing anything else. So my boys will still have the surrogate grandparents to visit in Queens. All in all, I think it's going to work out the best for everyone except David...which makes me sad, but also reaffirms my belief that what you do comes back to you threefold.
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I'm relieved that I'm not going to be here to see the terrible epiphany that's probably coming for him. I spent almost seven years going back and forth with the father of my boys because I would feel so sorry for him everytime we split up and he begged me to come back. It's a cycle that I'm glad I finally broke out of.
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And I'm glad my own writings on this subject proved useful, although I will confess that I don't usually think of myself as inspiring.
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"That's is row to hoe..."
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Been there, done that. And regardless of how much you know he's going to be hurting after you've gone, you're doing the right thing for you and your wee chaps.
But that's his row to hoe, not mine.
I recently received an email from a long-ago ex, saying [in part] 'I never realised how much you meant to me until you left.' Did I know this at the time? Yes. Did I tell him? Yes. Can I do anything about this now? No. It still makes me a bit sad, but you can't do everything for people - they either realise what a gift they have and act accordingly, or they don't and have to deal.
Best of luck with your private practice plans - I think that sounds like an awesome opportunity for you.
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And thanks for the luck!! I'm equally terrified and excited!
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I like that line a lot Cate. Here's to new beginnings. *clink*
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(p.s. I am writing a play. First one ever. But you inspired me! )
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Good luck with it. To paraphrase Tom Stoppard, writing dialogue is one of the few acceptable ways to completely contradict oneself and get away with it.
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I feel sorry for David too. But maybe he'll end up learning something he needed to learn as well. I bet so. Hope he can see it when it's written down or in the stars for him.
And girl, he ain't got no better model than you, and you're even willing to continue availing him of your powers. That's class.
I am so impressed at the way you saw this opportunity and...SAW it. Instead of wheedling the time away.
Like I said, man, TIMELY. You ARE the teacher here!
(Did I reccomend before to you David Niven's autobiography The Moon's A Balloon? Aside from some side-splittingly funny "scrape" stories, there is a running theme of yearning TOWARDS what the universe offers instead of shying away, feeling it all, reaping the "lucky" benefits, and remembering whatever's taken away with respect. Having just finished it, it makes me think of you--serendipity! Or maybe projection...but still a very fun read--remind me at least to tell you the amorous horse story!!!)
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You know, the more I get to know you, the more I keep thinking that you belong in Austin. I mean it!!!
I'm quite proud of myself too. I can definitely see by the way I've handled all of this that I have actually grown up a bit over the last few years! : )
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I'd LOVE to check out Austin...but...I'm terribly, terribly afeared of big bugs!
(Actually, you just made me daydream my perfect existence...keeping my lil' cave in Manhattan, and then Airstreaming it to different friends' habitations and hanging there for as little or long as is conducive. (I should say, "having myself AIrstreamed," since I dinnae drive.))
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this rings right through what i wanted to do but the whole taking the job from hell headfuck ended up wrapped around the need for it to never turn into a regret. score one for sloppy/abstract definition of goals. the above is exactly the thing it could have shown me could still happen and how to see it and get out, etc, but i was so zombied out and sick by the end of it i just crashed. crawling out of the wreckage might be enough to make the lesson stick, answer uncertain try again later. the experience has left me extremely guarded and selfish, at least compared to the all-offense-no-defense fairy i was before. which i'm fine with, naturally, coz i grok why. when i get my bounce back for real i'm sure it'll morph into something less misanthropic. :) but i don't say i know it'll work out, coz i don't know what that will turn out to be. something will happen eventually, and things go on. i guess the point is, fuckin *yea* to having the strength to not settle, holy shit do i agree with this one.
sometimes new strength is simply an old demon finally pointed in the right direction. huh. thanks for giving me the opportunity to riff on what i know & connect two bits i hadn't quite...
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And I have to admit that the eight-year-old kid in me that used to live for Perry Mason reruns is so digging the idea of me as a defense attorney. ; )
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I'm hoping it will be a great new beginning for me!
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It seems you're going through a great time of change, that can be exciting and scary at the same time. But rarely dull.
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I'm sure you'll find that my life is all sorts of different things, but it is never, ever dull! ; )
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You'll do just fine, Texas. Of that, there's no need to wonder at all.
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Alan would like to point out that he is both pretty and good with the computers, in case you need anything.
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We shall discuss our master plan to take over the hill country upon my return!
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