Snippets

David's father called me yesterday. He told me that he loved me and my kids very much. He apologized for his son's behavior. I've never been disappointed in him before, but now I don't think I could be more disappointed in anyone if I tried.

At least once every couple of days, someone calls or mails me to tell me how glad they are that I'm coming home. Things were so different without you here, they say. One woman told me I took the sparkle of the place with me when I left. I'm so humbled by the realization of how many people care for me. I never knew before. I feel blessed to be able to know that now.

He told me he worries that leaving will be hard for me, and it makes me realize how incredibly blind he is. I want to laugh because all I feel at the thought of rolling out of here on that day with all my animals in tow, and one of my best friends as my co-pilot, headed west....it makes me joyful. It makes me smile. The hard part was staying with someone who was never here to begin with.

Someone who's known him for years told me that she was amazed at how calm I was and how nice I was being. "He's such a fucking asshole," she said, "I can't even stand the sight of him anymore. I don't see how you do it." I realize as she speaks that this truly is the first time that I've let pain wash over me without hanging onto it. I just let it go. I enjoy my time with him without caring that it had a beginning or will have an end. There's a real freedom in it that I never have experienced before. It's healing and positive, because it has nothing to do with him. It's about me making the choice to leave this place with only the best memories. The negative part of it, I leave here.

I explain that I don't feel the need to punish anyone for this. Not myself. Not him. I have a warrior in me, and my first instinct when someone wrongs me is to quietly wait for the opportunity to slice them open and make them suffer. I don't even spare myself from this; most times, I'm even harder on myself than anyone else would ever be. Not this time. I see that allowing myself to be softer and less judgmental, I find a strength that outlasts the rage. Don't get me wrong. I'm not laying down my sword. I'm just learning that I don't have to fight every battle to its ultimate and bloodiest conclusion. Even as I realize that I don't want him to suffer, I realize that there is nothing so bad that I could wish on him that would be worse than what's coming. So who knows? Perhaps it's not wisdom so much as knowing I don't need to expend the energy myself that's making me so peaceful with this.

I'm looking forward to getting back to all my crafting. There's been no magick here for me. I haven't made anything or done anything for anyone. I'm looking forward to putting my herb pantry back together, opening my old wooden witche's wardrobe, and getting back to the spiritual path that fuels my soul. I've missed my beautiful gnarled oaks and the nearness of the moon.

I wrote some advice to a friend, and upon rereading it, I realized that it just as easily could have been advice for myself. These last few months really gave me the opportunity to see what I am made of, both good and bad. I am pleased with the person I have disovered myself to be. I want to paraphrase my words to her here, for myself, so I won't forget them:

At the end of things, what people do with their own lives and their own bodies is completely up to them. We can't change the path the universe gives us. We can rail against it until we are bloody and bitter, or we can accept it without completely understanding its trajectory---that acceptance is where we find the grace in everyday life. I think that you should allow yourself the option of finding grace.