Work, Welding, and Motherhood

[catelin]

I've worked since I was fifteen. I can't imagine not having to work. I've never had a choice about what I wanted to do before. First, I worked and then anything else I wanted to do came afterward. In the beginning what I wanted to do simply came "after five." This later became "after I get the kids to bed" which meant that the anything else (writing, painting, sculpting, etc.) did not begin until around 10 p.m. or so. Over the years, I've fit my creativity into whatever small nooks and crannies of time it could find within my busy schedule. Now I'm looking toward October and having time...not just a little time, but months of the stuff. It's finally sinking in that I'm going to have this gift of time to focus on my art and writing. It's finally sinking in that I'm going to have room for my own studio, for this place that will fit anything I can imagine, media unconstrained by considerations of space, the big or small left completely to my imagination rather than dictated by the square footage of a room. This is why I now spend a lot of time thinking about plasma cutters. Perhaps it is an odd coincidence, but I find that as my children get older I am more and more attracted to the tactile arts. Could it be that these mother's hands are feeling idle without little hands to fill them? My boys are rapidly approaching the age where they won't want to hold hands with me anymore. I don't begrudge them that; it's all part of growing up. It will be hard not to miss it; I can imagine them drifting away from me into their own adolescent lives and it makes me proud and sad all at once. They are so little. Do children always seem little to us? Even when they are grown? I will have to ask my mother how she sees me now, whether she sees me grown or still sees shadows of the little girl I was. I wonder if she misses who I was when I was so small and loved her so much that she was the most perfect thing in the entire universe to me. My youngest started kindergarten today and when he waved goodbye as I left him in his new class, I could see myself waving goodbye to him over and over again in the years ahead. It made me want to cry, as I suppose most mothers want to do when they can no longer delude themselves into thinking that their children belong to them. He is his own person, as is his brother. I knew that from the minute I laid eyes on each of them. I will spend my lifetime reminding myself of it, alternating between feeling blessed and cursed by my overwhelming attachment to and love for them. Some days it seems so profoundly cruel that the lesson we must learn with those we love the most is how to let them go over time. Love's got so many sharp edges to it throughout a single lifetime. I don't know why. All I know is that when my hands are busy, even the things that don't make sense seem to soften and smooth a bit in my own mind.

Comments

[ex-fireangel472.livejournal.com]

Don't ever apologize for loving your child fiercely. It's your passion for everything in life that I admire so much in you. My pain will always be somewhere inside of me no matter what goes on outside of me. I find some solace in knowing women who love there children as much as I love mine. Who will put themselves in the firing line to protect or defend another child. My pain comes from jealousy of what someone else has that I want, had in my grasp, and was ripped from my arms. I do not feel angry towards you but rather towards those that take for granted what they have. I know you will never take being a mommy for granted. How can you possibly ever when you are constantly barraged by cases of child abuse and neglect in your work every day? I don't believe you will EVER lose perspective after the things you have seen in your work.

I hope you know that one of the reasons I wanted to name my daughter Caitlyn was not just because I loved the name but also because of you. A passionate, sensitive person can take only two routes. They take a negative path where they are consumed by their waves of emotions and pulled under, or they take a positive path and pour all that excess energy into something that can make the world a better place.

You are right. I am a woman who takes "honor" very seriously and I rate the importance of things in my life on how it will affect me after I live no longer. "Stuff" will stay here. Memories, joy, love, grief, pain, living honorably, are all things I take with me. I like your analogy of glass breaking. That is what it feels like... like your entire being is shattered in an instant and you are left with a full heart and empty arms. I am so incredibly grateful that one of mine survived. I only hope that I don't smother him with all the love I have for him.

[catelin.livejournal.com]

I hope you know that one of the reasons I wanted to name my daughter Caitlyn was not just because I loved the name but also because of you.

You have moved me to tears. Wow!

And don't you worry about smothering, no such thing as too much love for babies...you're a fine mama. : )


(This may be the 3rd or 4th time you get this. I have had trouble posting comments!)

[ex-fireangel472.livejournal.com]

From what I have read about you in your journal, I would have been blessed to have my daughter turn out half as great as you. I don't hold you on a pedastle or anything creepy like that but sometimes it does take effort! I love how well rounded you are and one thing we have in common is that some of the things we do don't fit with the other things we do, stereotypically. By the way, I'd love to see some of your sculpture. I really want to get into pottery and painting. Maybe we can meet in person some day. :)