Work, Welding, and Motherhood

[catelin]

I've worked since I was fifteen. I can't imagine not having to work. I've never had a choice about what I wanted to do before. First, I worked and then anything else I wanted to do came afterward. In the beginning what I wanted to do simply came "after five." This later became "after I get the kids to bed" which meant that the anything else (writing, painting, sculpting, etc.) did not begin until around 10 p.m. or so. Over the years, I've fit my creativity into whatever small nooks and crannies of time it could find within my busy schedule. Now I'm looking toward October and having time...not just a little time, but months of the stuff. It's finally sinking in that I'm going to have this gift of time to focus on my art and writing. It's finally sinking in that I'm going to have room for my own studio, for this place that will fit anything I can imagine, media unconstrained by considerations of space, the big or small left completely to my imagination rather than dictated by the square footage of a room. This is why I now spend a lot of time thinking about plasma cutters. Perhaps it is an odd coincidence, but I find that as my children get older I am more and more attracted to the tactile arts. Could it be that these mother's hands are feeling idle without little hands to fill them? My boys are rapidly approaching the age where they won't want to hold hands with me anymore. I don't begrudge them that; it's all part of growing up. It will be hard not to miss it; I can imagine them drifting away from me into their own adolescent lives and it makes me proud and sad all at once. They are so little. Do children always seem little to us? Even when they are grown? I will have to ask my mother how she sees me now, whether she sees me grown or still sees shadows of the little girl I was. I wonder if she misses who I was when I was so small and loved her so much that she was the most perfect thing in the entire universe to me. My youngest started kindergarten today and when he waved goodbye as I left him in his new class, I could see myself waving goodbye to him over and over again in the years ahead. It made me want to cry, as I suppose most mothers want to do when they can no longer delude themselves into thinking that their children belong to them. He is his own person, as is his brother. I knew that from the minute I laid eyes on each of them. I will spend my lifetime reminding myself of it, alternating between feeling blessed and cursed by my overwhelming attachment to and love for them. Some days it seems so profoundly cruel that the lesson we must learn with those we love the most is how to let them go over time. Love's got so many sharp edges to it throughout a single lifetime. I don't know why. All I know is that when my hands are busy, even the things that don't make sense seem to soften and smooth a bit in my own mind.

Comments

[quiet-life.livejournal.com]

oh, the way you tell it makes the words belong to all mothers; letting go is the hardest universal duty.
My own is 20 now, and when I look into her eyes, I usually see the child.

[wisteria.livejournal.com]

I bet all of us mothers are reading this and seeing the universal truth in your words....and feeling that ache that only we know.....

Again...beautiful words Cate.

~Deb

[kissel.livejournal.com]

Deb! How dare you exclude me!

I remember my 1st day of k-5, like it was yesterday in fact. I remember how proud I was of my kidlet when she marched up to the front door and proudly announced she wanted to carry the flag, and be the best helper she could.

uno dos tres

[wisteria.livejournal.com]

You are very correct sir! Please accept my apology!


Consider my entry edited from "mother" to "parent"!

:) Deb

BTW.......can I edit a comment made on another's journal?

[ernunnos.livejournal.com]

Pick up one of these (http://www.truckpartsproshop.com/portable_110_volt_gasless_wire_welder.html#). Can't think of a much better bonding exercise, pun intended.

[catelin.livejournal.com]

Neato! Me want!

[ernunnos.livejournal.com]

Very neato. When I was 8 or 9, and my sister was probably 7 dad used to give us scrap metal and a wire welder to keep us occupied. We made quite a few pieces of modern art. :)

[raindog.livejournal.com]

Mmmm, true words dear friend. I appreciate so very much your gift to articulate in simple, clear lines the essence at the center of all this life.

[kissel.livejournal.com]

You never speak of your parents, and sometimes I wonder if my mom is 14 or 60, dad does some amazingly stupid crap at 61, ...

I suppose we could bottle up all this knowledge while we are still smart.

I'm going to cliche you at the risk of just loving you to tears. How do you do it? Hug!

[bizetsy.livejournal.com]

Beautiful, Cate. Beautiful.

[buscemi.livejournal.com]

Oddly enough, locopuff mentioned plasma cutters a little while ago. Hee.

[kenhighcountry.livejournal.com]

Just beautiful, my friend.
Sometimes the hardest thing life teaches is to stand back, and to let go.

[nandan.livejournal.com]

I know you will enjoy your new privacy and space...kids off at school, no job to go to...and make wonderful creative use out of it. I hope I can come and visit, and we can create and gossip a bit. I'm not so gifted at the tactical arts, but I can always bring some patches to sew on my kid's jeans.


ON another note...how goes the ____(don't know if this should be screened) writing you were thinking you'd have to do.

[nandan.livejournal.com]

I was just in Jersey today and I thought of you. I had to go to a lighting store in Union. When you get here, we can celebrate the turning of the leaves.

also...I don't know if I realized that your youngest is only one year older than my boy. Joy! Maybe someday they will be suitable companions.

[ex-fireangel472.livejournal.com]

I have always believed that humans (and nature for that matter) strive for balance in life. It's the yin/yang thing. If we didn't feel anger, despair, or lonliness, we wouldn't be able to recognize happiness, love or fullfillment. It takes the contrast to define the emotion attached to something or someone. The depth of emotion one feels on one side will be an equal balance on the opposite. That is one thing that helps me to get through my devastating pain and loss that I have had this year. It just tells me how incredibly much I love all of my children, living and dead. The secret is to be able to feel both at the same time and not get too carried away by any one extreme. Focusing too much on the positive leads to stagnation, denial and eventually losing sight of the little things that make life better. Focusing too much on the negative has the exact same results. I never want to forget the painful things in my life because that would be dishonoring all the powerful lessons and helpful perspectives I have gotten from them.

Right now I feel angry when people talk about how sad and depressing it is to see their kids grow up and send them off to school the first time. It would be nice to have my three children with me, alive, to be able to even send off somewhere. I don't sense that you are going for sympathy but rather just remarking on a feeling but I can also feel the pride in it. Anyway, that just reminded me of all the people that have been talking about having to start sharing their babies with the world. It just feels like the knife twisting.

[catelin.livejournal.com]

I have had one moment in my life when I thought one of my children was dead. It was a single moment where I looked at a little body lying on the ground, without movement, and I had no thought at all---just a primal, horrific sense of loss. It was as if my body turned to glass and then exploded into a million pieces. I never forgot that feeling. It was only a tiny lick of the flame compared to what you've endured. I can't even bring myself to imagine how you must be hurting.

You are right. I don't ask for sympathy here. I don't think I ever have. I sure hope that I've never come across that way. I do chronicle what goes on in my life and how it makes me feel. It's not meant to hurt, even though I can understand how reading this would be extremely painful for you. I wish there were a way for me to sooth you and lessen your heartache. Unfortunately, I realize that there's not much I can do to make things easier other than to let you know how much I have grown to care for and admire you. There is a lot to be said for a sense of "honor" in the way we live. I have watched you live with honor, in the worst of all possible circumstances. You are far more exceptional than perhaps you even realize. That is why you are special to me, and that is why it pains me to think that I've contributed in any way to your unhappiness. So please forgive that.

[ex-fireangel472.livejournal.com]

Don't ever apologize for loving your child fiercely. It's your passion for everything in life that I admire so much in you. My pain will always be somewhere inside of me no matter what goes on outside of me. I find some solace in knowing women who love there children as much as I love mine. Who will put themselves in the firing line to protect or defend another child. My pain comes from jealousy of what someone else has that I want, had in my grasp, and was ripped from my arms. I do not feel angry towards you but rather towards those that take for granted what they have. I know you will never take being a mommy for granted. How can you possibly ever when you are constantly barraged by cases of child abuse and neglect in your work every day? I don't believe you will EVER lose perspective after the things you have seen in your work.

I hope you know that one of the reasons I wanted to name my daughter Caitlyn was not just because I loved the name but also because of you. A passionate, sensitive person can take only two routes. They take a negative path where they are consumed by their waves of emotions and pulled under, or they take a positive path and pour all that excess energy into something that can make the world a better place.

You are right. I am a woman who takes "honor" very seriously and I rate the importance of things in my life on how it will affect me after I live no longer. "Stuff" will stay here. Memories, joy, love, grief, pain, living honorably, are all things I take with me. I like your analogy of glass breaking. That is what it feels like... like your entire being is shattered in an instant and you are left with a full heart and empty arms. I am so incredibly grateful that one of mine survived. I only hope that I don't smother him with all the love I have for him.

[catelin.livejournal.com]

I hope you know that one of the reasons I wanted to name my daughter Caitlyn was not just because I loved the name but also because of you.

You have moved me to tears. Wow!

And don't you worry about smothering, no such thing as too much love for babies...you're a fine mama. : )


(This may be the 3rd or 4th time you get this. I have had trouble posting comments!)

[ex-fireangel472.livejournal.com]

From what I have read about you in your journal, I would have been blessed to have my daughter turn out half as great as you. I don't hold you on a pedastle or anything creepy like that but sometimes it does take effort! I love how well rounded you are and one thing we have in common is that some of the things we do don't fit with the other things we do, stereotypically. By the way, I'd love to see some of your sculpture. I really want to get into pottery and painting. Maybe we can meet in person some day. :)