Rush

[catelin]

For the first time in a long time, I hate waking up in the mornings. I tell myself it's stress--job, money, relationships, derby...you name it. I wake up and in that instant that I realize I'm awake, everything comes crashing in on me and all I can do is wish myself back to sleep. Of course, I don't have the luxury of being that self-indulgent so I pull myself out of bed and slog through the day as best I can. I've been smoking too much again, which doesn't help anything and only serves to make me more disappointed with myself for treating my body so shabbily. I know there are times in life where everything seems difficult, where everything pushes us to the verge of panic. I also know that this will pass. Still, I can't quite place my finger on what's making me feel so out of balance. I suspect it's the failure to make time for myself to be quiet. Everything is always such a jumble in my head these days that I find it hard to be still and reflect on anything. Movement is what has always pushed me through the rough spots, but that doesn't seem to be working this time. I keep thinking I'll have time to rest once this or that is finished, but the next thing pops up and I keep running in mini-crisis mode day after day. It's time to slow down a bit and I'm going to start to put the brakes on a little each day until I get my equilibrium back. Life should never be merely a blur of hard places and things.

Comments

[keatrix.livejournal.com]

ughhhhh I just woke up and I hear you sister.
Except I don't have to get up so I take about 45minutes to become completely awake these days... I don't have a job yet in this new city I'm in and not much on my agenda except worrying about money and getting a job, so I try to sleep it all away. :( I have been setting my alarm earlier and earlier though, so at least I've gone from waking up at 12:40pm to 10:40am - trying to get some balance.

I wish you well with slowing down!

[francita.livejournal.com]

I decided one day to take the age-old cliche of "living in the present moment" seriously and just stopped one day, standing on a subway platform as the train was drawing in. It's a magical feeling to realise that nothing "is" but that present moment, not the future we constantly strive towards nor the past which fills our heads most days. I missed my train. But it was worth it.

slow down, you move to fast

[hellnation.livejournal.com]

Life should never be merely a blur of hard places and things.

so very true. please try and take some time for you
ie:lock your self in the bathroom, have a nice hot soak... even sneak in a ciggie and a glass of wine or tea. ;> you'd be amazed at how that wee bit of time can help, in the long run.

i say this as a reminder to myself, as have a habit of suffering thru the same thing

Re: slow down, you move to fast

[catelin.livejournal.com]

A big bubble bath shall be taken in your honor!!!! Thanks. : )

[lacyunderall.livejournal.com]

call me, woman!

[catelin.livejournal.com]

Will you be home tonight?

[lacyunderall.livejournal.com]

yes.

[catelin.livejournal.com]

Excellent! I'll give a call tonight. : )

[lacyunderall.livejournal.com]

good. because i'm thinking of going to harvard/radcliffe, and i need you to talk me out of it.

[blackhellkat.livejournal.com]

I'm relating--except replace cigarettes with Diet soda and coffee and you've got me!

Some days I feel as if my body is held together by stress and caffeine---I know I should be drinking water, doing yoga and getting on the treadmill again but for some reason I've been sacrificing my health for helping others. Bad bad bad.

[catelin.livejournal.com]

Yeah, it's easy to go for the quick fix. I know better.

[anoisblue.livejournal.com]

"Life should never be merely a blur of hard places and things."

I needed to read that, Cate. I guess I just wanted to tell you that and to let you know I'm thinking about you out here in the big blue wonder.

[doctorgogol.livejournal.com]

Wait a minute... when did you start smoking again?

[catelin.livejournal.com]

That's exactly what I asked myself. I suppose I have had to finally admit that stringing together enough "occasional cigarettes" finally added up to "smoking again." I'll have to work backwards now and string together enough non-smoking days to add up to having quit again.

[starfeather.livejournal.com]

Any free moment (and i do mean Moment - as that's all it takes - just sitting down at your desk, ) just surround yourself in light. Take advantage of Moments. Oh, and i keep getting that you could throw the word "Adjust" in there.
Have a Fabulous Day.

[catelin.livejournal.com]

Very wise advice. I shall put it to good use. : )

[beerbal.livejournal.com]

I know exactly what you mean. Coincidence: just today I gave up and spent the whole day in bed.

[http://users.livejournal.com/_lj_sucks_/]

"All life is a blur of Republicans and meat" -- Zippy

[catelin.livejournal.com]

HAHAHAHA!!!! YES!!!

[normalgrrl.livejournal.com]

slowing down sounds good for you for a bit.

[hakkenkrak.livejournal.com]

Everything is always such a jumble in my head these days that I find it hard to be still and reflect on anything.

ah, yes. for me it is precisely the fact that i hate getting up in the morning that causes me to feel this way. i try to make time for myself, but because i'm so tired, that time is eaten up in sleep.

good luck with slowing down.

[jr-red.livejournal.com]

Life should never be merely a blur of hard places and things.

I don't think there's ever a time someone should stop repeating those words to themselves. Sometimes I wish I had a different personality that allowed me to care less about the opinions of everyone else... well... without becoming so extreme I stop bathing and such, but you know what I mean.

Chalk up the recent slur of mind to the season. It's just that time of year for everyone I think.

[spleenless.livejournal.com]

I've been processing the horror of my friend Kudzublossom and find that it's brought me up short on some of my issues. Still, I know well the days where stress would have me hanging over the toilet first thing in the morning. I hope you find your balance. Hug your boys tight and take care of yourself.

[catelin.livejournal.com]

Oh no! : ( I'm so, so sad to know about this. I can't imagine any harder suffering than losing a child. Makes every one of my problems seem incredibly fleeting and petty.

[harriet-m-welsh.livejournal.com]

Oh, how this rings true for me as well.

[hollow-warrior.livejournal.com]

Anxiety is so proned to hit early in the morning. It is an evil nasty thing. I spent too much of my first year of undergrad work waking up with horror and immediately vomiting. Anxiety is almost worse than depression. It steals just as much from you, is more aggressive and ends up causing its own depression. These winter months are the worst time for it.
Look up a book by Pema Chodron called Start Where You Are. She helps me see past the blur of hard places and things.
I need to focus on life now. We all have something these days. Mine is all consuming graduate school. I feel so one dimensional. I miss my girlfriend and nature hikes. I miss weekends!
But there are a million little pleasures abounding. There is joy in every cup of coffee if you allow it to be swallowed with the liquid. There is sunlight on snow and random 40 degree days here. There is waking up at 2am when my girlfriend comes home from work, rolling over and wrapping my arms around her before I fall back asleep.
There is still joy in making others smile.