Meanings & Trivialities

[catelin]

I'm sure I'm not the only one who's overcome with this horrible feeling that nothing I write means anything anymore. I catch myself thinking, "Ok, who do I want to propose to today?" and then I think, "Why bother?" Not that I've really been thinking that, but it illustrates my point. My day-to-day life seems so ridiculous now. It seems so completely boring and small compared to the headlined news that I finally shut off but still the traces linger in my head. The goofy anecdotes, the stories, the poetry...I think, does anyone even give a rat's ass anymore? Why is it that I feel that everything I write here should now be something profound? Something so much more full of meaning than anything I wrote before? I suppose it is natural to search for words to fix things. After all, that is my business. People get hurt. I write words that fix things. I speak to jurors and judges and tell them, "This needs fixing." I wait for verdicts with white knuckles, nervous...but still always certain that things will be fixed. I've always been certain of that. Proud that I help people. Proud that I stand up for the weak and voiceless. That I roar with their stories, feeling like Clarence Darrow or Atticus Finch in a pair of heels. Knowing that my friends on other side of the room were just as committed to doing right by the Constitution...even when their clients were despicable, we all had a sense that we were doing just what we should be doing. That we were fighting the good fight...even from different perspectives. All of what's happened has made me maudlin. It's made me feel stupid and small, and worse...trivial. It's made me want to push my breath into the hollow of your neck, to lie down with you and forget anything else but flesh, to look at your eyes and know that there's still someone who really sees that I'm still here. I want to tell you about my day, and laugh about almost being thrown in jail for contempt of court by the crazy judge...you know, the one we always giggle about. To have you brush my hair back from my face and tell me yet again that my Irish temper will be the end of me. I want to tell you about the boys. How they found a clear green marble yesterday in the dirt and told me that they were sure it must be a treasure that someone had buried a long time ago. How Max told me that he was sure the treasure had some sort of magical powers, but he just had to figure out the right words to make it work. I just want to find the right words. But how do you find magical words when you feel that your voice has left you?

Comments

[rickc.livejournal.com]

Your voice is not insignificant. You are simply trying to make sense of something that cannot be made sense of. Such an overwhelming tragedy makes our lives seem even more insignificant but they are not. It is your inner struggle to pull it together to bring good out of such an evil happening. We have been children. It is time to put away childish things. It is time to grow up, look at the reality of our world and figure our new path. A new determination will be born of it.
This thing was so stupendous and overwhelming that we all are still stunned and numb to the bone. The undercurrent of deep sadness has us all questioning everything.
If I were there I'd brush aside the lock of hair over your eye and tell you how important you are and how much more you have to contribute. Be strong. Have faith. Trust.

[kytty.livejournal.com]

We have been children. It is time to put away childish things. It is time to grow up, look at the reality of our world and figure our new path. A new determination will be born of it.

Very profound, I hope you are right.

[archon.livejournal.com]

i would suggest quite the opposite. when you're so grown up that you think your words are worthless without some profound significance, i can't think of a better solution than to go back to being the child that looks for magic words to activate a buried treasure.

the only thing profound to a grownup dealing with a savage world is just how savage it really is. no path looks new because they all lead to what you expect.

everything is profound to a little boy with a magic marble. all his paths lead to new adventure.

alice, the world is filled with ugly things that you can't change.
pretend it's not that way
it's my idea of faith
you can blow it off
and say there's good in nearly everyone
just give them all a chance
now let's give them all a chance

- ben folds five, _alice childress_

[catelin.livejournal.com]

Trying to make sense out of something so senseless...you have identified exactly what it is about all of this that shook me to the core. Your words regarding growth and finding a new path were a strong reminder to me of the cornerstone of what I do have faith in...and that is the perpetual cycle of the wheel of endings and beginnings. Thank you for that.