Meanings & Trivialities

[catelin]

I'm sure I'm not the only one who's overcome with this horrible feeling that nothing I write means anything anymore. I catch myself thinking, "Ok, who do I want to propose to today?" and then I think, "Why bother?" Not that I've really been thinking that, but it illustrates my point. My day-to-day life seems so ridiculous now. It seems so completely boring and small compared to the headlined news that I finally shut off but still the traces linger in my head. The goofy anecdotes, the stories, the poetry...I think, does anyone even give a rat's ass anymore? Why is it that I feel that everything I write here should now be something profound? Something so much more full of meaning than anything I wrote before? I suppose it is natural to search for words to fix things. After all, that is my business. People get hurt. I write words that fix things. I speak to jurors and judges and tell them, "This needs fixing." I wait for verdicts with white knuckles, nervous...but still always certain that things will be fixed. I've always been certain of that. Proud that I help people. Proud that I stand up for the weak and voiceless. That I roar with their stories, feeling like Clarence Darrow or Atticus Finch in a pair of heels. Knowing that my friends on other side of the room were just as committed to doing right by the Constitution...even when their clients were despicable, we all had a sense that we were doing just what we should be doing. That we were fighting the good fight...even from different perspectives. All of what's happened has made me maudlin. It's made me feel stupid and small, and worse...trivial. It's made me want to push my breath into the hollow of your neck, to lie down with you and forget anything else but flesh, to look at your eyes and know that there's still someone who really sees that I'm still here. I want to tell you about my day, and laugh about almost being thrown in jail for contempt of court by the crazy judge...you know, the one we always giggle about. To have you brush my hair back from my face and tell me yet again that my Irish temper will be the end of me. I want to tell you about the boys. How they found a clear green marble yesterday in the dirt and told me that they were sure it must be a treasure that someone had buried a long time ago. How Max told me that he was sure the treasure had some sort of magical powers, but he just had to figure out the right words to make it work. I just want to find the right words. But how do you find magical words when you feel that your voice has left you?

Comments

[beatnikside.livejournal.com]

My favorite shopworn Albert Einstein quotation: "Everything you do will be insignificant -- yet it is very important that you do it."

Gogol was right -- all the cliches have come true this strange, sad week.

Stay with it, Cate. Keep fighting. And realize that no matter how dark things get, there are bound to be some good days ahead. Got to be.

[catelin.livejournal.com]

Ah, I love that quote. Thank you for reminding me of it. : )

[viedma.livejournal.com]

When i think of you, Catelin, i think of something out of a Neil Gaiman comic book, of an archetype that walks and talks and looks just like us. Catelin the monster slayer, that's you. Monster slayers need to have moments of frivolity and humor and triviality so that they can keep going, otherwise they'll crumble. So will all of us, really.

It'll take time to get back on track for all of us, but when you do, i want to see who'll you'll marry next. (i always thought that Tim Roth was mine first, but i'll relinquish ;-D)

Wow!

[catelin.livejournal.com]

I think that is one of the nicest compliments I've ever received! Just for that, I'll share Tim with you. ; )

I hope I don't sound callous or insensitive...

[froglegs.livejournal.com]

I feel the same way, but then I always really have felt the items I post here are trivialities. But, really, is there anything wrong with that? Isn't it the humor and trivialities that we can use to move past all the shock and horror? It is after all only a matter of time before life returns to normal for most of us and it is again all that we have.

We all wish to be eloquent about the losses suffered by so many and the blow to our national pride, but I don't think that is the only answer. Terrorism is meant to disrupt us from our lives to take away that which was once paramount and replace it with shock and horror. Well, in this case they have succeeded beyond all imagining, but aren't we in a way striking back by resuming normal activities?

Also, your posts are always interesting and if they are light-hearted, it is a blessing in the midst of all the misery and despair, even if you only look at our own live journal.

Re: I hope I don't sound callous or insensitive...

[catelin.livejournal.com]

I don't think that's callous or insensitive at all. I agree completely. I don't think it's possible (or healthy) to sustain the degree of horror that we've all felt over the last few days. I'm not saying we should forget it...but I will not be made a victim of it. So I will continue with all of the small "trivial" things that filled my life before--if anything, with a more keen sense of their importance to me.

[kytty.livejournal.com]

If there is a positive value to trauma, I think that it would be a clearer focus on the fact that the way we spend our time, the words we speak, and the way we use our resources can really have a large impact. It makes me sad to say that I feel a greater sense of connection to many of the people who's posts I read since thoughts have turned to "what can we do to make a difference" and really giving thoughtful probe to the stratified nature of the world and how it feels to know we aren't really as safe as the trivialities of our focus before Tuesday would suggest. When in survival mode, people focus on what is really important...there isn't room for the trivial. That doesn't mean we can't have joy or, better yet, a sense of satisfaction in working together to resolve conflict, but it does mean that we have an opportunity to take some time to decide if that dollar is really going to where it is most useful, or could my words have put the seed of a different perspective in someone's thoughts, or is spending my time with friends at a movie really more satisfying than spending my time with friends volunteering at the food pantry or animal shelter.

I see trauma every day. I feel the terror of people in foreign countries suffering the consequences of decisions made by first world nations. I feel the terror of the squirrel or raccoon just before it was hit by the speeding vehicle. I have since I was very young. This is the gitt of trauma...the heightened sensitivity to suffering and the wish for justice. The ability to put one's self in the position of the traumatized because one really knows how it feels instead of just voicing a few sugary words and walking by to spend time focused on the trivial. Instead of thinking, how can I spend my time and money to give myself the most status, the question becomes, how can I spend my time to decrease the suffering of others, just as I would have liked to have had my suffering decreased. I added you to my friends list because you focus on seeking justice for the vulnerable and I admire you so much for that.

and I admire you too

[jaarronn.livejournal.com]

Since you do not know me, please forgive my barging in here; wedging my way between your most thoughtful words in reply to "Catelin". By way of introduction, or at least connection, I am also one of Catelin's LJ friends and quite humbly feel truly honored to be so. She is a remarkable person in so many ways - too many to expand upon here, but you know of them I'm sure.(Undoubtedly, she'll say, "Aw, shucks!...Come on now, Jaarron!", when she reads this!)

Anyway, I just wanted to say to you that although everything you've written here speaks of someone who is compassionate and deeply thoughtful, it was your last paragraph that struck me and prompted me to write. For better or worse, I too am someone who, even from the time when I was very young, has always felt the terror of the innocents, particularly animals, that are injured and killed, either on the roads and highways, or at the hands of sheerly mindless and cruel people. Over the years I have found and taken so many animals and birds to wildlife rehabilitators and have also volunteered my services at them as well. Such experiences have the effect of having to almost constantly struggle to keep a balanced view of humanity. On the one hand, the rage I feel when I see and feel the effects of some people's total disregard for life of all kinds - and, on the other, the thankfulness for those who tirelessly give of themselves to heal. In the end, I can only hope that it is all truly "yin" and "yang"

[catelin.livejournal.com]

What an eloquent post...and so true. Thank you for sharing that with us.

[tully-monster.livejournal.com]

I rejoice for people who are able to post about what they're doing now--the "trivial" details of their daily lives. That's what I want to do. Maybe when I get back I'll be able to do that too. Right now it feels as though time has stopped, and I feel somehow that I'm committing an act of betrayal by continuing to be paralyzed by this instead of soldiering on in my normal day-to-day life. Those trivial details aren't trivial at all.

Because it's so important that what you do continue. You're part of the institution that has to keep going. Keep posting your tales from the legal front. It's so encouraging. It's an expression of loyalty and deep commitment to our State.

[catelin.livejournal.com]

Right now it feels as though time has stopped, and I feel somehow that I'm committing an act of betrayal by continuing to be paralyzed by this instead of soldiering on in my normal day-to-day life. Those trivial details aren't trivial at all.

I think everyone who is affected by something so life-changing as this deals with it in their own way, and in their own time. It's not a betrayal at all to heal at your own heart's pace.

[rickc.livejournal.com]

Your voice is not insignificant. You are simply trying to make sense of something that cannot be made sense of. Such an overwhelming tragedy makes our lives seem even more insignificant but they are not. It is your inner struggle to pull it together to bring good out of such an evil happening. We have been children. It is time to put away childish things. It is time to grow up, look at the reality of our world and figure our new path. A new determination will be born of it.
This thing was so stupendous and overwhelming that we all are still stunned and numb to the bone. The undercurrent of deep sadness has us all questioning everything.
If I were there I'd brush aside the lock of hair over your eye and tell you how important you are and how much more you have to contribute. Be strong. Have faith. Trust.

[kytty.livejournal.com]

We have been children. It is time to put away childish things. It is time to grow up, look at the reality of our world and figure our new path. A new determination will be born of it.

Very profound, I hope you are right.

[jmilton.livejournal.com]

For what it's worth, I understand.
I try never to say that because I'm not sure anyone can ever understand another, but I feel the exact same way.
Learning Russian doesn't quite seem worth it when faced with this.
I haven't felt normal since Monday night.
I did for a few minutes today. I had an appointment with a professor about a research project.
We talked about the project for ten minutes. Over an hour was spent discussing life. She understands this too and it made me feel a bit saner.

I got the same feeling when I read this entry. Thanks.

[catelin.livejournal.com]

I think we will all start to make our peace with ourselves over time. It's a real comfort to me to know that I was not the only one feeling like this, though.

[ex-verdandi713.livejournal.com]

Driving home from work yesterday I had some of the same thoughts: "Why the fuck did I bother studying history? Nothing ever changes. Why the fuck did I bother becoming a lawyer? There's no justice, *and* no peace." I don't have anything eloquent to say about it except that that way despair lies, and laughing about frivolities and trivialities is an emotional saving grace--especially when none of us have any clue what lies ahead. Bad *or* good.

For what it's worth, I'd *far* rather read an intelligent person proposing to a raft of toothsome celebrities than read anymore morons ranting on and on about how this is a great time to "clean house" and start building internment camps. When the idiots get "profound," the profound owe it to themselves to get up and change the channel.

[catelin.livejournal.com]

You are a class act, lady--all the way around and then back again. I'm proud to call you a colleague. "A raft of toothsome celebrities...." Oh, you slay me!! I owe you a debt of belly laughs for all of the good stuff you've written, Vali. You are tremendous! : )

[anoisblue.livejournal.com]

You so very eloquently put my feelings into words, Cate.

[catelin.livejournal.com]

I am constantly in awe of you, L. You are an amazing woman!

[rockstarbob.livejournal.com]

I suppose it is natural to search for words to fix things.

*yes*.

making sense of it all

[talkshowhost.livejournal.com]

Cate:

I am going to throw my hat into the ring here, not because I think I have anything truly deep or profound to say, but because I know the sadness you are feeling, and I wanted to express my solidarity, especially seeing as how what I want to do is so much affected by Black Tuesday.

Before all of this happened, I was working on writing out a video project that my best friend and I are going to work on when I get back to South Carolina. I was planning on flying to Minnesota to see AJ. I was going to write another road trip story from my past and send it to you for AtomicPetals. Since the attack, I have been in a kind of fog. As I believe I mentioned somewhere else, one of my earliest memories is of going to the top of the trade center towers with my dad, and part of me feels like that memory has been stripped away. I have been sitting here wondering what will be next. But you know what? EVERYTHING will be next, because it has to be.

I am going to write that project out, although I'll be careful about any references for the time being, as most people will be. I'm going to get on a plane and go to see AJ, even though I was already scared to death of flying. I am going to write you that story and send it to you, because it's something that happened and it is life-affirming and proof that we are better then those who would try to subjugate our will.

The day this happened, I was wondering how I could bring a child into a world where such horrible things could occur. And then I sat and watched her playing with her dog, this wonderful little bouncing ball of energy and spark of life, and I realized something. We are deeply saddened, forever touched, by the images and stories from around the country and around the world that have been coming in. For as much as there are those who seek to shrink the global consciousness and eliminate our world village, they have failed, as they will ALWAYS fail. And while there are those who are quick to say the United States brought this on itself, and that our foriegn policies might not have always been the greatest, we still live in a place where, when the chips are down, we come together and we do the right thing. This whole ordeal has made us all appreciate the little things a bit more, has made us slow down and take stock of our lives and what the price of freedom can sometimes be.

So my answer to your question, Cate, about how do you find that magic when you have no voice, is that your voice hasn't left. It never leaves. But as you get older, as you grow, your voice grows and changes with you. We are all a lot older today then we were last Monday, but our voices are still intact, still strong, maybe even stronger then ever. And you will find that the trivialities are just as important as the life-changing stuff, because big or small, they help us define WHO WE ARE. No terrorist attack can take that away unless we choose to let that happen.

As a final note, I wanted to thank you personally for convincing me to come here and start my journal. I know that as hard as this has all been, it would have been much, much worse without being able to come here and read these stories and share with everyone my own. So thank you, Catelin. I am glad we let each other know we are out here.

Re: making sense of it all

[catelin.livejournal.com]

Thank you, Steven. You are a real gem of a man...and I am lucky to have run across you. I am so glad you began writing here and I always look forward to reading what's going on with you. Stick around! : )

[raveen.livejournal.com]

That post is wonderful... I dont think you are at a loss for words at all... I understand exactly where you are coming from... I feel it too... I have had some ideas for entries that I have put off... simply because I felt it inappropriate....

But... I think its time that we get on... not forget... not stop dealing with it... not cease to grieve... but we cant let these actions take over our lives... and we can still return to normal and mourn at the same time...

The whole world needs to be strong and do what they can but life cant end because of this tradgedy...

I hope this was comforting... as it was probably more healing for myself than the intended reader (you)...

[catelin.livejournal.com]

Man!! I so want to give you the biggest, giantest, sloppiest hug right now!!!

Here are the words!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[raindog.livejournal.com]

I received the following in an e-mail from a friend. I am shaking with its incredible beauty. It is the first beacon of light in all of this darkness. Read on and then copy, paste and get it moving across this country!!!!!

For some time now I have been considering what would be the best
response to WTC attack and now, having just read that Afghanistan is in
the grip of a 3 year famine and the UN estimate 5.5 million Afghans
will soon be starving, the answer has suddenly become obvious.

America should send aid to Afghanistan on a scale not seen since the
Marshall plan. Against the will of the Taleban America should feed the
starving, pour food and materials into the country.

Can you imagine it? The response to the outrage is not an act of revenge
but an act of mercy. At a stroke the entire, predictable cycle of
response/outrage/response/outrage would be smothered at birth. Its so
bizarre, so unexpected and yet it would be so very effective.

Think about it...

What sweet revenge it would be to see the people scrabbling for American
food in the dust created by their Taleban masters! What subtle revenge
to see in the eyes of those peasants, not the easy hatred inspired by
war but the uneasy question: "Can it really be Satan that feeds the
starving?". We could smile to hear the Taleban, Iran, et al try to
summon contempt for this ludicrously unjustified act of Love. We could
out-righteous the masters of righteousness and smile benignly as their
followers deserted them so they could feed their children. This *is* a
religious war after all, so let us fight them with the weapons we have:
If ever the Christian message 'Turn the other cheek' had strategic
relevance it is now.

But I suspect this brilliant idea, and the only moral response of a
truly Christian nation, will be too subtle for most, the payoff too far
down the line. I suspect that revenge of the 'electric-chair' variety
will be the order of the day. In which case the US would be as bad as
the Taliban and fully deserve the next, follow-on atrocity.

Remember: We can be like them or we can be better. I wonder you define
yourself?

Jonny

Re: Here are the words!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[jaarronn.livejournal.com]

WOW! If only...but I will pass this along!

[sorrento.livejournal.com]

i kid you not. When i don't have enough time to read your entries on the computer at home, i print them out and read the hardcopies later when i get the chance wherever i am.

[catelin.livejournal.com]

I can't even tell you how great that made me feel, Shane. Thank you!!!!

[curtankerous.livejournal.com]

That moment with the marble speaks true magic in of itself. The innocence that we've lost and know that we can never regain. The innocence we lost when we grew up, the innocence we lost earlier this week.

Your voice is still there, strong and pure. Use it whether you feel you have finite control over it or not. We need it.

[buscemi.livejournal.com]

I think we're all still trying to sort things out. It will get better somehow. (Wishful thinking, I know.) This world needs more people like you.

[catelin.livejournal.com]

I don't think that's wishful thinking at all! It will get better. It's already getting better. : )

So many lights

[jaarronn.livejournal.com]

have been lit here from the match you have struck. So much sharing..So many words of inspiration and hope. There is nothing I can really add...except to say I am just so damn glad you are part of my world...and, I love you.

Re: So many lights

[catelin.livejournal.com]

How can I not be at peace with life when I have so many profoundly beautiful people around me? Thank you so much for that...my heart is singing! : )

[kenhighcountry.livejournal.com]

Please read again what you wrote here Catelin.
They are magical words. Magical and beautiful.

P.S. I am giggling, though, at the image of Clarence Darrow in heels. And maybe a small black cocktail dress.

[catelin.livejournal.com]

Heehee!!! And pearls, honey! Don't forget the pearls! ; )

[kalliope.livejournal.com]

Cate-

I've been feeling the same way. I mean, words, this power, always been capable of dragging me out of my own personal slumps. Anything that seems too difficult to bear and these sentences have always made it bearable.

But now I'm finding I sit down to write, and I can't. Because I'm sick of reading. I'm sick of seeing. And does it mean anything? Anything at all?

We can't lose it. You, what you just wrote, is proof of that.

They say love is the stronger than everything. I love words.

Not about to give that affair up anytime soon.

-lis

[catelin.livejournal.com]

They say love is the stronger than everything. I love words. Not about to give that affair up anytime soon.

That is just...well...perfect!

[doctorgogol.livejournal.com]

Hey, Catelin, will you marry me?

[catelin.livejournal.com]

My dear, dear Doctor...out of all of the impossible dreams in my life...you will always be the sweetest of all my stardusted longings.