Ladies & Gentlemen of the Jury...The New Subway Diet

[catelin]

On the jury trial menu this week--a new twist on the famous diet. Our spokesperson? A 3-time loser who left his toddler in the car at Subway with the windows open and the keys inside. Lost at least 20 pounds right there. How can I get on this new fad diet you ask? Well, instead of ordering a tasty sandwich, you lock yourself in the bathroom, shoot up some crank; then crawl into the ceiling when you hear the cops looking for the parents of the child you left in the car. Cued by the rave-inspired strobe effect of the cop's flashlight, you take a brisk aerobic spin around the ceiling tiles until you come crashing down into the manager's office. Check your heart rate. Not high enough? A nice dive through the plate glass window should get you right into your fat-burning zone. Once the police have you cuffed you can still diminish yourself further by looking at your crying child and telling the cops, "That ain't my kid."

Comments

my love for humanity swells like an aria from the fat viking opera diva.

[drfardook.livejournal.com]

And people look horrified when I occasionally overdose on caffeine and start with a sterilize the planet rant.

Re: my love for humanity swells like an aria from the fat viking opera diva.

[catelin.livejournal.com]

Heh! You do that too? Don't even get me started on my wish for the magical power to point my finger and *poof*! My friends hear it from me almost daily. Seems like the number of children some people has is proportional to the toxic, shitty job of parenting they do.

Re: my love for humanity swells like an aria from the fat viking opera diva.

[catelin.livejournal.com]

Hmmmmm....It also seems that the more something upsets me the more my basic grammar skills erode. Make that some people "have," if you please! Argh!

and i think to myself...

[arch-carrier.livejournal.com]

what a wonderful world.

i'm really disappointed that the world did away with the old christians in the colosseum bit - we could start throwing people like that to the lions.

OHMYFUCKINGGOD!!

[corylus.livejournal.com]

that really happened?
blame it on oprah.

[razorart.livejournal.com]

Ah, so you're providing the background to what I see in the building where I work?! (although I work in a social service agency for the developmentally disabled, there is a foster care agency on the same floor). Heartbreaking...I took feel strongly about required testing before being able to give birth (and keep child). That may be fascist, but so easy to say when you don't *see* the results of the above.

In related news, one of our psychotic clients is happy to announce she is pregant. Now, mind you, she was once reported to child welfare by one of the tenants in her apartment building b/c she was carrying around a *doll*, but yeah, she will be a mother.

I was a teenage psychotic mother...

[catelin.livejournal.com]

Yep...that is so fucking typical. I'm beyond the point of cringing anymore. Yeah, I'm sure the whole "fascist" idea of preventing people who can't comply with the basics--like, oh say, feed their babies, not beat them, not screw them, etc.--from having anymore children seems a bit harsh to some. Freedom to fuck up as many kids as you can create is definitely an ideal I could live without.

Re: I was a teenage psychotic mother...

[corylus.livejournal.com]

you have such a nice bite! grrrr! your writing is pleasing.

Re: I was a teenage psychotic mother...

[catelin.livejournal.com]

Heh! Thanks. While I'm at it, I should say that I've enjoyed reading your journal tremendously. Cool moms abound on my LJ friends list...and THAT gives me a little more faith that the world is gonna be just fine. : )

[meester-gone.livejournal.com]

Sounds like a real w(E)inner there!

[doctorgogol.livejournal.com]

It could be worse. You could be his public defender.

[catelin.livejournal.com]

"He is the best physician who is the most ingenious inspirer of hope."
-- Samuel Taylor Coleridge


My dear, dear Doctor...that was the sweetest thing you could have said to me. I feel so much better now! ; )

Re:

[doctorgogol.livejournal.com]

I live to bring light to your day, my dear Cate...

[verian.livejournal.com]

Will this be coming out on video with a celebrity host?

[catelin.livejournal.com]

Ha! Well, I think the main player in all this is going to be indisposed for a few years...but I'll have his people contact your people.

[strike-anywhere.livejournal.com]

I look forward to seeing the security camera versions on 'world's wildest police videos'...

Tell me, does TX afford you free therapy/counseling?

Free Therapy!

[catelin.livejournal.com]

Ha! Believe me! I'm sure there are days when we could use it. The State provides some stuff, I suppose, through our insurance. Myself, I just have a good cry when I need it. All of us in this business talk to each other a lot about how some of the shit we see makes us feel...we sort of counsel each other. Overall, I still adore the human race...which is why I can do what I do each day, I guess.

Re: Free Therapy!

[strike-anywhere.livejournal.com]

when my brother-in-law was a prosecutor in a rural OH County (he got ousted by politics), the majority of his cases involved baby-rapers... several years of that made him awfully strange.

[lordshell.livejournal.com]

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

That's a riot!