Building Mr. Right

[catelin]

Probably spurred on by the approaching holiday, a friend of mine who believes herself to be the consumate matchmaker of all time told me that I needed to send her my laundry list of 20 "ideal man for me" traits. (I suspect she's been reading some sort of go-out-and-git-yerself-a-man book.) So, for the sake of getting her off my back for a while, this is what I sent:

1. Someone as smart or smarter than me. Someone who likes to read more than just the newspaper.

2. Age group: Five years on either side of my own.

3. Someone who is not raising children, who does not want any more children, but who has no problem with mine. (That's usually the dealbreaker.)

4. Someone with no freaky ex's, hang-ups about ex's, or ex's who are not really ex's.

5. No drug users, alcoholics, or men with criminal histories.

6. Someone with an expansive sense of humor.

7. Someone who likes to travel.

8. Someone who is spiritual, but not dogmatically religious. (Pagan tendencies are a definite plus.)

9. Someone who is not in therapy...of any kind.

10. Someone who has a semi-normal relationship with their parents, or who is an amazingly well-adjusted orphan.

11. Someone who likes to be outdoors and do outdoorsy things: e.g. gardening, camping, fishing, swimming, etc.

12. Someone with all their teeth or reasonable facsimiles thereof.

13. Someone who would be willing to relocate. I've moved enough...I'm staying here.

14. Someone who wants to buy an old barn and convert it into a house.

15. Someone who likes to ride horses.

16. Someone who is kind to animals and people.

17. Someone who loves living in the country but likes to visit the city.

18. Some liberal arts background would be nice, but not absolutely necessary.

19. Someone who earns about the same or more than me.

20. Someone who is optimistic and good-natured.

So I'll let her do the looking for me...most days I'd be happy just to find a man to take the trash out every other day...but a gal's gotta have standards. ; )

Comments

cate, sweet cate

[chaizzilla.livejournal.com]

it's good to know what you want, b/c the tides can get awfully intense; getting lost in each other is wonderful but easily an escape into the ultimate high (later on through the fights and negotiations and telling stories and calling each other on each other's shit the merge just happens, lost doesn't apply there). and there's always something that starts off a dialogue or dance between strangers. but the One will be more amazing than anything you'll ever dream up. heck you prolly know this, it's like kids. or the Gang of 4 song.. love will get you like a case of anthrax. good list to have though b/c running down it and seeing how much you didn't get and couldn't care less about *or* how much you didn't get that actually bugs you is gonna help ground you and give you a little reality check just you and you and how do you feel about this oddling. there's no right answers, just how you feel is as real as it gets. love survives hesitation, backpedalling, even in the beginning all that stuff that people do that sometimes shoos love away in a puff of smoke is just the beginning. don't ever be afraid to be discriminating, but pay attention when you're running the list on someone what you're feeling, why things matter to you. whatever bits aren't ok aren't gonna go away until they do. i've had peeves i've shelved for a couple of years finally come out and it aches but, whew.. i finally get to really feel it and know for sure why, they hopefully don't just crumble or cringe, they're stong and realise it's about me and my innards, my unique whatever, it's gets kinda fractal from there.. :) my requirements are more than i'll admit, i wasn't high-maintenance until the real thing, but #1 it ain't going anywhere until i find myself able to totally communicate with someone and pretty much the only bullshit in the way is the stuff we're still figuring out ourselves but aren't trying to hide. kinda neato. #2 is they gotta really, sincerely, selfishly, un-needily-based, dig me in a really big way, no ambivalence or uncertainty, i don't have time for it. #3 i guess is the courage to see where it goes. my paradigms on what i thought i did & didnt like kinda faze out in light of these 3 b/c man is it rare to find those to begin with, and i dunno, i fall in love easy for just that sort of person. fortunately only 2 so far have measured up. i'm gonna make an effort to ignore any more that come along, it isn't easy to try and make loving two people work, esp when i'm not budging off the primmary/secondary pardigm. it means i'll lose the secondary even if i love them as much or they could so easily be the One if there wasn't already my One. being second with someone when you both know you have what it takes to be first is painful, and one day there's going to be a One for him. ouch. so i'd say stick with one if you were even considering otherwise. or maybe it's me finding out i don't do halfassed relationships and thus was meant to not have anyone else. wierd stuff - can you tell it's a work in progress? i can't let go, but it will end. ouch. death before death, in a sense.

what's the viable candidate situation like where you're at anyhow?

Re: cate, sweet cate

[catelin.livejournal.com]

I don't really keep a "list" of things, although there are definitely a few of those that I included which are set in stone...mostly because I do have kids and my choices affect them in probably more profound ways than they affect me. Amazing how motherhood cuts right through the romantic idiot factor. I was, in my past life, a "fixer" of people...not typically co-dependent in the least, because I had no problem hauling ass if things didn't change for the better...but it attracted guys who needed "mothering" like flies. I was real good at it too--every one of my ex's married the next person they dated after me. I was the marriage "fluffer." Haha! That is ancient history though, and real kids are a lot more fun than guys who won't grow up. I still hold out hope that one of these days I will run across the person who will incite that sense of recognition, that "oh, THERE you are" feeling (and for some reason I've always had the idea that it will be when I'm much older...like in my mid-50s or early 60s). I suppose the best description for what I have yearned for but not yet found would be "kindred." As for the possibilities of the viable candidates here...it's (if you'll pardon the bad pun) Slim Pickens. Aw, but now I sound like I'm whining about it. My girlfriends worry about my lack of a mate much more than I do. I really don't mind at all, and I have an amazing and very happy life. I am self-sufficient, I have a job I love, I have two smart and healthy kids who adore me and I adore them...and I know, that just as with everything else in my life, everything that I need comes to me in its time.

time

[chaizzilla.livejournal.com]

the better one's own company than bad company is a good'un. that attitude should be on your list of requirements. :)