The Last Weekend, The First Weekend

[catelin]

As hard as I try to have everything figured out and put each piece of my life in a box, I am confounded. What I thought would be the hardest weekend ever has been pleasantly soft, easing and giving way where I'd expected all angles and edges.

I have discovered that I am a person who likes to proclaim. I proclaim this and then proclaim that. I set courses for myself and tell myself "this is how it is." The problem with this approach is that I don't have a fucking clue how it is most of the time. So I end up changing course, moving this way, turning that way. Adjusting over and over, according to the tide and the wind and the moon. Always struggling to try and find the right way, the best way, the way I can depend on.

I am an unconventional person. I have led an unconventional life. At the same time, there's always been something in me that had me feeling like a failure because I didn't do things like everyone else. So I think that I secretly longed for convention, for the mundane sort of storybook life that it seemed like everyone had. So I got married and moved to the suburbs. And I've never been more miserable. He'd never been more miserable. There's nothing worse than being miserable with someone you love. It distorts everything and turns you into monsters.

Accepting that I am not cut out for marriage in the traditional sense, accepting that I don't want to live in a nice neighborhood with a bunch of soccer moms, accepting that my place is in the southwest in spite of my absolute love affair with the northeast, accepting that I don't need to have a husband for my boys to have good lives, accepting that I don't have to have a plan for everything, that I don't have to constantly scramble to create a roadmap of my life in order to feel secure...all of these things are coming to me, seeping in and running through me, until I have a sense of peace coming on. Not here quite yet, but coming on.

I'm a person who is terrified to let things simply BE. But I am learning. I am learning to let go a little bit and trust my own life enough to let it flow in the direction it chooses.

The things that I need to be real in my life: love, friendship, loyalty, joy...I have all of those. And I have a home, a place where I belong. I think maybe it's time to forgive myself, to stop feeling like I have failed, and to be quietly joyful that my life is what it is. Unconventional, yes. Maddening at times. Incredibly difficult once in a while. But mostly full, full of every good and wonderful thing that I ever wanted. Full enough to always leave me with a loving heart and an enduring belief in the goodness of it all.

Comments

[watashi.livejournal.com]

It's strange how so many of your posts mirror exactly what I have been feeling in the past year or two. I don't know how you feel about Buddhism, but a book that helped me immensely when I was going through a really dark patch was The Places That Scare You: A Guide to Fearlessness in the Difficult Times by Pema Chodron. It's a very straight-forward talk about dealing with the dark places we all try to avoid.

I'll be the first to admit that I don't know you all that well, but from all your posts I have come to feel a great feeling of respect for your strength, your courage, and your heart. I hope as things settle down you'll be able to find contentment.

[catelin.livejournal.com]

I am a HUGE fan of Pema Chodron and always happy to hear when someone else knows her writing. She's wonderful, isn't she? And let me tell you...reading her books and listening to her on CD has really helped me through so much and helped me to grow in ways that I never could have without her words.

[watashi.livejournal.com]

I adore her! I had read several different Buddhist writers before reading her, but they never seemed accessible for someone who wasn't really familiar with the religion. Chodron is so straight-forward and no-nonsense that it is very easy to understand her. I've read several of her books but The Places That Scare You remains my favorite...probably because it was the book that helped me so much at such a difficult time (attachment to a book that teaches non-attachment...ironic, right?)

I've been thrilled to find out that so many people are reading her books now. It helps to give me hope that maybe our society is starting to move in a different direction.

Anyway, glad to know you're a fellow fan :)