The Last Weekend, The First Weekend

[catelin]

As hard as I try to have everything figured out and put each piece of my life in a box, I am confounded. What I thought would be the hardest weekend ever has been pleasantly soft, easing and giving way where I'd expected all angles and edges.

I have discovered that I am a person who likes to proclaim. I proclaim this and then proclaim that. I set courses for myself and tell myself "this is how it is." The problem with this approach is that I don't have a fucking clue how it is most of the time. So I end up changing course, moving this way, turning that way. Adjusting over and over, according to the tide and the wind and the moon. Always struggling to try and find the right way, the best way, the way I can depend on.

I am an unconventional person. I have led an unconventional life. At the same time, there's always been something in me that had me feeling like a failure because I didn't do things like everyone else. So I think that I secretly longed for convention, for the mundane sort of storybook life that it seemed like everyone had. So I got married and moved to the suburbs. And I've never been more miserable. He'd never been more miserable. There's nothing worse than being miserable with someone you love. It distorts everything and turns you into monsters.

Accepting that I am not cut out for marriage in the traditional sense, accepting that I don't want to live in a nice neighborhood with a bunch of soccer moms, accepting that my place is in the southwest in spite of my absolute love affair with the northeast, accepting that I don't need to have a husband for my boys to have good lives, accepting that I don't have to have a plan for everything, that I don't have to constantly scramble to create a roadmap of my life in order to feel secure...all of these things are coming to me, seeping in and running through me, until I have a sense of peace coming on. Not here quite yet, but coming on.

I'm a person who is terrified to let things simply BE. But I am learning. I am learning to let go a little bit and trust my own life enough to let it flow in the direction it chooses.

The things that I need to be real in my life: love, friendship, loyalty, joy...I have all of those. And I have a home, a place where I belong. I think maybe it's time to forgive myself, to stop feeling like I have failed, and to be quietly joyful that my life is what it is. Unconventional, yes. Maddening at times. Incredibly difficult once in a while. But mostly full, full of every good and wonderful thing that I ever wanted. Full enough to always leave me with a loving heart and an enduring belief in the goodness of it all.

Comments

[fabulist.livejournal.com]

We're cut from the same cloth in so many ways, hon.

I'm sorry I've not been more supportive as you've navigated this tricky course, and I've not returned to you all the love and strength you've given me when I've needed it. So much of it all seems familiar, and yet none of it seems familiar, all that you've weathered, but that's the product of my sailing on my own stormy seas, also trying to just BE as I struggle to figure out feelings I never knew I was capable of. Where my journey will end up is almost too much for me to even consider. I'm sitting here right now, writing this on Terry's laptop while he's sleeping in the other room after losing his beloved dog last night, the last member of the family he had before he found Billy dead two and a half years ago. I've been angry with him for a long time now, and lost, too, because he can't give me what I need, and because I can't give him what he needs, but when it comes down to it, he called me and I drove to his place like a bat outta hell, carried his dog to the vet, and sat with him and cried with him and was glad that he didn't have to suffer this alone. I proclaim all the time, too, and I try to stay the courses I set for myself, and yet, it's all still there, all the love, all the insanity, just spinning in my head. I want peace and order and security and a route to the future that I need, but right now, I'm content to just be right here, right now, feeling sad and empty and sick for him, and I'll figure the rest out later.

You and me will survive and prosper and get what we need. It's there.

Dream big, hon.

[catelin.livejournal.com]

Your big heart has spilled out plenty of love my way, Joe, even when you didn't realize it. I appreciate it in ways that I'm sure you could understand without me even telling you. Love takes care of people like us.

You dream big too...we'll have our dreams meet up in the night sky once in a while where they can take turns dancing with the moon.

We'll be fine, Joe. We'll both be fine.

[ex-muzer409.livejournal.com]

I've learned so much from you, you don't know. (So I'll tell you all about it! :D)

[catelin.livejournal.com]

I can't wait!

[nandan.livejournal.com]

I think there's something about having children that makes you question yourself twice as much.

I hope you have a terrific year!

[catelin.livejournal.com]

Thanks for being such a great friend to me, Nan. I WILL have a terrific year....who knows what great things are coming? Maybe one day you and your brood can come down to Texas for a visit!

[watashi.livejournal.com]

It's strange how so many of your posts mirror exactly what I have been feeling in the past year or two. I don't know how you feel about Buddhism, but a book that helped me immensely when I was going through a really dark patch was The Places That Scare You: A Guide to Fearlessness in the Difficult Times by Pema Chodron. It's a very straight-forward talk about dealing with the dark places we all try to avoid.

I'll be the first to admit that I don't know you all that well, but from all your posts I have come to feel a great feeling of respect for your strength, your courage, and your heart. I hope as things settle down you'll be able to find contentment.

[catelin.livejournal.com]

I am a HUGE fan of Pema Chodron and always happy to hear when someone else knows her writing. She's wonderful, isn't she? And let me tell you...reading her books and listening to her on CD has really helped me through so much and helped me to grow in ways that I never could have without her words.

[watashi.livejournal.com]

I adore her! I had read several different Buddhist writers before reading her, but they never seemed accessible for someone who wasn't really familiar with the religion. Chodron is so straight-forward and no-nonsense that it is very easy to understand her. I've read several of her books but The Places That Scare You remains my favorite...probably because it was the book that helped me so much at such a difficult time (attachment to a book that teaches non-attachment...ironic, right?)

I've been thrilled to find out that so many people are reading her books now. It helps to give me hope that maybe our society is starting to move in a different direction.

Anyway, glad to know you're a fellow fan :)

[weedyseadragon.livejournal.com]

I just found your journal through a link from omy's and I love it so I'm adding you. I'm a mother to two boys and currently experiencing a deep need for independence again that is making me rethink my marriage and a lot of other things too. Good luck.

[catelin.livejournal.com]

Thanks for letting me know! : ) And welcome!

[tessed.livejournal.com]

I know of course this is your journal about your thoughts, but I'm curious. How are the boys taking all of this? Are they holding up OK? Are they excited about going back or just going with the flow because of the undercurrents in their lives right now? Just nosey. :-)

[catelin.livejournal.com]

The kids have been great. I always try to keep any adult bullshit from trickling down their way...but kids always know when something's up, even when you try to minimize things. But they are excited about going back to Texas. I think it makes a big difference that David and I have really tried to be friends through this because it's kept the stress level down from what it certainly could have been. I also think that since the kids are still continuing important relationships with his family (they'll be coming back in August to visit) that the change doesn't seem as drastic as it could.

But all in all, I think it's just that I have SUPER AMAZING WONDERFUL boys who make me so proud!! : )

[sun-set-bravely.livejournal.com]

Letting things be is a big challenge for me, too. I am glad for the softness of your weekend. When do you actually leave? I wish you all the happy travels in the world, and may your home be waiting for you with open doors and bright Texas skies when you return.

[catelin.livejournal.com]

Thanks! : ) I'm actually leaving either Saturday or Sunday, depending on how quickly my stuff gets loaded on Saturday. It's coming up so quickly now that I am starting to see the end of all this waiting to leave. Home. Soon!!