Morning

[catelin]

Things are resolved this morning. Apologies were made and his/her versions of everything were addressed. I wonder to myself if I was wrong to post an email from him. I don't know. Living with someone who generally treats me like an unwanted houseguest in my own home often makes me wonder if I'm hearing things that aren't there, if I'm reading the ugliness into his words and actions. So much of his cutting and hurting me has been about the undercurrent, about the thing that you can't find when you look for it and try to say "see, here it is...this is the treble hook in my skin." I despise passive aggressive behavior. It's crazymaking.

But there are two of us here and we both do right and wrong to each other. I am certainly no sainted martyr, as a friend plainly pointed out to me on the phone recently. It was uncomfortable to be reminded of that. I'd grown so used to playing one in real life. My hands are not entirely clean. I can live with that. People's hands rarely are.

So was I wrong to post the email? I guess that answer is that it doesn't matter. I know I did it because I was hurting so much that I wanted to break that silence, to show a bit of the sick flesh that's been so close to the bone around here lately. I wanted someone to see what hurt me and recognize it so I could be sure it was real. Not the high road, I know. I don't always take the high road. I still have mixed feelings about what I did, but I'm going to leave the post as it is. It's done, whether I erase it or not. In that, I suppose that LiveJournal is very much like real life.

Comments

[anoisblue.livejournal.com]

It was a harmless email to post, Cate. Really nothing to worry about at all. But yes, I did see what you meant. There is a distance, a lack of emotion in his words that has to cut. Some people do get by the best they can by ignoring the depth of situations. They skate the surface, hands firmly to the sail, hoping for a safe wind to carry them to places they do not dare go on their own.

[catelin.livejournal.com]

I think that's a very apt description of what goes on.