Morning

[catelin]

Things are resolved this morning. Apologies were made and his/her versions of everything were addressed. I wonder to myself if I was wrong to post an email from him. I don't know. Living with someone who generally treats me like an unwanted houseguest in my own home often makes me wonder if I'm hearing things that aren't there, if I'm reading the ugliness into his words and actions. So much of his cutting and hurting me has been about the undercurrent, about the thing that you can't find when you look for it and try to say "see, here it is...this is the treble hook in my skin." I despise passive aggressive behavior. It's crazymaking.

But there are two of us here and we both do right and wrong to each other. I am certainly no sainted martyr, as a friend plainly pointed out to me on the phone recently. It was uncomfortable to be reminded of that. I'd grown so used to playing one in real life. My hands are not entirely clean. I can live with that. People's hands rarely are.

So was I wrong to post the email? I guess that answer is that it doesn't matter. I know I did it because I was hurting so much that I wanted to break that silence, to show a bit of the sick flesh that's been so close to the bone around here lately. I wanted someone to see what hurt me and recognize it so I could be sure it was real. Not the high road, I know. I don't always take the high road. I still have mixed feelings about what I did, but I'm going to leave the post as it is. It's done, whether I erase it or not. In that, I suppose that LiveJournal is very much like real life.

Comments

[watashi.livejournal.com]

I don't think it was wrong to post his email. It's not as though you printed it on a billboard or included his full name and address or anything. You posted it because it showed how you were feeling about what was being said and you wanted to show his words exactly as he said them. Nothing wrong with that. Better to do that than to paraphrase and maybe make things sound worse than they really were.

Once something is written and is given to you, it's pretty much fair game. It's not fair perhaps, but that's the way it is. As Adrienne Rich wrote "Everything we write will be used against us".

As for the passive aggressive behavior...I have been dealing with that from my recent ex for the past six months, so I know WELL how irritating it can be. I'm a blunt and up front sort of person. If you have a problem with me, talk to me...say it out loud and call me a bitch...but don't do stupid little petty things to get back at me while saying everything is ok. I HATE that shit. It got to the point where I just wanted to punch him. That's why I told you not to kill anyone :)

Just keep reminding yourself that it will all be over soon and this will all be a distant memory.

[lacyunderall.livejournal.com]

i say fuck it. you put it up there for a reason. whether your motives were pure or not, you got some great feedback.

i left you a message on your cell phone. **sigh** check your messages, woman!

**hugs**

[catelin.livejournal.com]

Ha! Yes, I got your message after I left you a message, little tired one!! Oh, and I was soooo cracking up after I got off the phone with your mom...I came so close to asking "Have you cleaned the shit out of your catbox today?" when she answered, thinking it was you...but I behaved, thank goodness!! Hehehe!

[anoisblue.livejournal.com]

It was a harmless email to post, Cate. Really nothing to worry about at all. But yes, I did see what you meant. There is a distance, a lack of emotion in his words that has to cut. Some people do get by the best they can by ignoring the depth of situations. They skate the surface, hands firmly to the sail, hoping for a safe wind to carry them to places they do not dare go on their own.

[catelin.livejournal.com]

I think that's a very apt description of what goes on.

[omnia-mutantur.livejournal.com]

there are a number of fine lines lj agendas walk, and sometimes when you imagine yourself inhabiting one narrative space, subsequent readers and subsequent events will make you question the whys and wherefores of previous posts.

speaking as someone whose exroommate did a pretty enthusiastic smear job on her, i still say vent away. sometimes wounds need to be exposed to air to heal, sometimes the bitter things need to be spat out rather than swallowed.

[rothko.livejournal.com]

Cate, when you've been in a situation like that for so long, it gets difficult to know up from down, and you do start to lose track of whether what's happening to you is right, wrong, or somewhere in between. Thus it's only natural to want to reach out to someone who understands and check whether it's really you or whether you're just imagining everything. Apparently (though I haven't read any comments since I saw your post last night), some folks must have taken issue with your method, but I don't think anyone should fault your motivation.

Hang in there... it'll all be over soon.

[adianoeta.livejournal.com]

you shouldn't feel bad about posting it. we are your friends (i hope!) and anyone would want feedback!!

[tamperevident.livejournal.com]

you needed to vent. and you felt better after posting it. that's what livejournal is for -- we all bring things here, that we have trouble finding other outlets for. i know it helps me, trememdously.

in either case, posting about it was better than beating the shit out of him, yesterday. ;-)

[philosofialogos.livejournal.com]

Yes. LJ is very much like real life. You cannot truly erase. People remember. We live so much of our lives trying to hide things. Posting things can be as real as it gets sometimes.

[starlakitty.livejournal.com]

Honestly, I didn't see anything wrong with posting the email. It illustrated the way you felt & helped to clarify why you were upset. I agree that it is much better than paraphrasing. And, it's ok to need outside opinion. You can't hold everything in because it's all going to come out somehow. You did nothing wrong. This is YOUR place and you can say whatever you'd like here. :)

[nandan.livejournal.com]

My moral judgement is that it's okay to post stuff as long as mutual friends don't have access to it. I think where it gets sticky is when the Internet mingles to closely with real life. I like it as an anonymous, private place to vent. Sometimes it helps to say the less gracious stuff on your mind, even tho you know it's going to be impossible to give a fully balanced, entirely nuanced portrayal.

But we all have to make up our own minds about how we want to use the medium.

[catelin.livejournal.com]

I rarely post anything here with the assumption that the whole world might be reading (even twits like the one who commented yesterday). It's an interesting exercise, because it's really forced me to understand that I must be willing to own up to everything I say here. So I did think about it from that perspective before I posted. I don't know if D. even reads my journal. I seriously doubt that he has the attention span for it, which is sad because one of the things that I really loved about him in the beginning was how enthusiastic he always seemed about my writing.

It's strange, but I think that keeping my journal almost entirely public has really brought a new level of honesty to both my life and my writing.

[wailaki.livejournal.com]

I admire your honesty and bravery, as always, this time for the courage to keep your journal public. I've been going back and forth on that, but maybe you are right/ Honesty is worth the twits. And positive feedback must help you deal with the passive-aggressive shit, hmmm?

[anoisblue.livejournal.com]

It's strange, but I think that keeping my journal almost entirely public has really brought a new level of honesty to both my life and my writing.

I feel the same way, Cate.

[tessed.livejournal.com]

Don't beat yourself up. What is done is done. Sometimes though, when I'm that angry, I post things, but make them private. I can always look back and read them, but this way no one comments and I don't have to feel badly about them later. Sorry if I added to the stress, I tend to react to things when I care about a person, even just a little bit. :-) Hang in there!

[catelin.livejournal.com]

You didn't add to the stress at all!! And I like that you care! : )