catelin | Gag Reflex

What follows is a really nasty, bitter post about Something's Gotta Give, a movie that I absolutely loathe. I give the entire plot (if you can call that swirling turd a plot) away and hate everyone.

I normally don't care to write about movies, good or bad, but this has been a burr in my side for weeks now since we met up with some friends of David's for a movie. Their pick was Something's Gotta Give. I have nothing against romantic comedies and I've even see a few that, while silly, were entertaining. But I haven't seen a movie that was such a blatantly fucking patronizing and offensive piece of crap since Pretty Woman. Let's see...older woman, played by the newly Pilate-cized and mini-lifted Diane Keaton (yeah, you know it...remember a couple of years ago when SHE looked like Jack Nicholson?), accidentally bumps into the barrel-bellied, balding, but still charming in that sick I Wanna Screw Daddy sort of way, old Lothario played by Jack Nicholson...Whew! That's a stretch, isn't it? He's trying to get it on with her daughter, which Diane's ok with because she's a "cool" mom like that, and he has a heart attack. Oh, and then the hijinks ensue. And, of course, the handsome young doctor, played by the beautiful but vapid Keanu Reeves, falls for....hot young daughter? OH NOOO!!! He wants Mommy. Why? Because this is a movie that's marketed not to hot young girls, but to their mommies. But she has to play Mommy to Jack, because he's got to stay in her house, where he can realize, even after accidentally seeing her shrunken old boobs, that she's a goddess. Oh, yes!!! A couple of long walks on the beach with Diane picking up pebbles and erupting into spontaneous laughter for no apparant reason, drives Jack mad with desire. In the meantime, she's got a date with the hot young doctor...because she's soooooooooooo vavavoom now. So she goes and does the same ridiculous coy laughing thing with him until he is in L-O-V-E, baby. Yeah, because it happens that way all the time. Long story short, because it's painful for me to even remember this much detail, Jack boffs Diane and she has [insert the chorus of Halelujah, Halelujah, Haleeeeluuuuuujahhhh here] THE BIG O!!! Finally, she is fulfilled! Because that's really what every woman is looking for to be truly fulfilled...unless you're the hot young daughter, who has no trouble with the big O, but is finally TRULY fulfilled herself when she gets married and knocked up (sigh). Even though Diane and her shrunken old tits are incredibly sexy now (because she did the laughing thing in bed too, ya know), Jack still doesn't know what's good for him. Tsk tsk...so he's back to the young hot girls, giving Diane the chance console herself with (guess who?) the hot young doctor who is still crazy about her because, well...because that's what the script says...and he takes her to (where else?) Paris where he proposes (awwww, how sweet). But wait!!! Jack has finally figured it out. He doesn't want meaningless no-strings attached sex with any number of the hot young models who can't resist his portly charm. He wants that old crone back in his life and now!! So he jets to Paris, looking all sincere and contrite. Is it too late, Diane? Oh, possibly, because here she is...with her hot young doctor, looking about ten years younger now (lens filters...gotta love 'em). The doc is mooning over her like a pup, and (gasp!) he proposes! Oh, what's a girl to do? Wait! I mean, what's an old liposuctioned, botoxed, spa-cured ham to do? Jack leaves to go contemplate his BIG MISTAKE and gaze at the river. He's so sad. Poor guy. How could he have been so stupid as to want to keep screwing the young tenders when he really wanted Diane? Woe is him. But wait!! Here she is!! Young Doctor Hunk has let her go, all because he loves her so much and knows that she really needs to be with someone her own age. I mean, he knows that Jack is her One True Love (TM), and he would do anything to make her happy, and after all Jack is a successful, well-known hip-hop mogul. So they live happily ever after, yo. Word.

So what did we learn, kids?

1. Women are not really fulfilled unless they are pregnant and/or married.
2. Any man will ultimately find an older woman hott hott hott if they laugh and shake their hair around in just the right way, showing themselves to be just as playful and carefree as the women with firmer boobies.
3. Middle-aged record company execs are irresistably attractive to anyone is possession of a vagina. Hey, come to think of it, didn't Keanu have a thing for a middle-aged record exec at one time? Hold the phone! Do you think maybe he has a. . . .oh, nevermind.
4. Catching a glimpse of a nude woman over fifty could make you do a really bad Stooge impression.
5. Jack Nicholson has about as much charm nowadays as a persistent ringworm.
6. Those geezers who are getting some from women half their age aren't really happy. They're just poor, lonely, misunderstood guys making the best of it until you've menopaused...then they'll want YOU. No, really...you just stay right there by the phone, hon...because they'll be calling any minute now.
7. Hollywood is fucking eating itself. Big surprise.
8. And don't forget, girls. Run out there and get you a man or else your life won't be complete!! If you can't find one, have a daughter and let her go trolling for old creeps that want to screw a girl young enough to be their granddaughter to bring home to you. Then laugh a lot and flip your hair! Score!!!

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Date: 2004-01-27 10:38 am (UTC)

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