Explanations, Apologies, and Poetry

[catelin]

I've been here the whole time, reading as always. I am horrible about keeping in touch and sending out letters and packages (yes, that old song again). Thank you all for the cards and goodies. A special gigantic hug to sorrento for my yearly supply of boxers. You are sweet beyond sweet, Shane, and I'm a schmuck for not getting this box of things with your name on it out to you months ago. Don't give up on me yet!

I've been here long enough to realize that LJ always has an ebb and flow to it that is very much dependent on what's going on in the outside world. I've been extremely busy at work. (Even my slavedriver boss gave me a day off today because I've been working so hard.) I've been running like a fiend, trying to get ready for the half-marathon in a few short weeks and I started working out again. I feel better than I have in years. I've also had really wonderful things going on that I'm not quite ready to share here...I've become a big believer in the jinx and I don't want to trumpet my happiness too loudly---but things are good, very good. So while you haven't seen me as much and I'm not so chatty as usual, I am still here and taking in all your wisdom. While I'm on the subject, I want to have it said that verian is my hero. I want to grow up to be just like him someday. I'm quite certain he's somehow bent time to be able to accomplish everything he does. You amaze me, V... Just wanted to state that for the record.

And since I am in such a good mood these days, I am going to post some dark poetry for a change. (Hardly an adequate response to your kind request, theodicy, but I hope it will suffice.) This is not one of my favorites, and I never really knew what to do with it, but it tells a story. And stories are why I'm here.



Baby Girl

(1. Two stitches in my navel seemed too small a scar.)

I rested a hand upon
my empty womb and I hated you.
I hated myself---whatever it was in me
that couldn't see beyond our constricted life.

After all, I had been the bright shiny girl
who could see my own future, clear and calling
to me like a familiar voice woven from bits of certainty.

But here I was, blind, living in the mouth of a snake.

(2. It was almost as funny as a story about cancer.)

Mi jaula is what I called our house.
You still never believe that when I tell you.
My cage---it came out of my mouth as
a joke that no one could bear to laugh at,
always followed by a quick change of subject
designed to avoid comment on my loss of spirit.

It was my choice, wasn't it?
To never have another child---ever.

(3. Is there someone we can call in case of emergency?)

I was going to leave you
the week I found out I was pregnant.

I almost got rid of the baby, save
for the one I already had---the chubby
damp hand curled against my breast,
sour milk-scented curls to remind me
everyday of what I'd erased, so I waited...

Nine months and then two more, a
mandatory waiting period---so many women
change their minds about this, they
reminded me again as I filled out the forms.

(4. Everyone has regrets if they live long enough.)

It was December---I always remember that.

Are you sure about this?
After all, it is a permanent procedure.

With a newborn still suckling and a toddler
on my hip, I calmly did away with my baby girl.

You told me there was no baby and I screamed at you
that I didn't have to be pregnant to know what I was losing,
then I vomited in the parking lot from the leftover anesthesia.

One day I opened the snake's jaws and simply walked out.
No one ever guesses that I was the lonely blind girl who
had her insides cut out and burned in two, foolishly believing
that such measures were necessary to sever my connection to you.

Comments

[razorart.livejournal.com]

Hellllooooo there, Cate!!!

I hope I'll be seeing you soonly. (Did you get my Xmas card? B/c I was worried I sent to the wrong address).

Thanks for the poem ;)

[catelin.livejournal.com]

You will definitely being seeing me soon! If you're going to be around this weekend, let me know when and I'll give you a call. And, yes, I did get the card! I spaced on telling you that the last time I emailed. Thanks! : )