Chest

[catelin]

Here's the deal. Life is hard. I respect people who deal with their shit straight up with a minimum of nonsense. Not that nonsense isn't wonderful. It should be a big part of almost every day, but the nonsense should be just that--nonsense--silliness, giddiness, slaphaphapfuckinhapiness! What gets on my tits, though, is when people deal with their serious shit in a nonsensical way. Life is serious business. Your obligations to others mean something. Your obligations to yourself mean something. They are not window dressing. They are not background. They are it. The way you fulfill them is your life. And when you fail, you fail. You fail yourself and you fail us all. It's not a game or a story, no matter how many pills, powders, or potions you ingest or invent to make it seem otherwise. So this is a message from me to you, on behalf of the rest of the world that is actually NOT revolving around you, to wake the fuck up and deal with your hard fucking messy exhausting life like a grownup!!!!

Consider this a general message with specific intent. If you think it applies to you, it probably does.

And to those of you who do manage to crawl through the tough places every day, and find joy enough to weave into the universe in spite of the hardness of it, I salute you...I love you and I am honored to know you. You know who you are and so do we all.

Whew. I feel better now. Thanks.

Comments

[robertainnc.livejournal.com]

I gather your work and life leave little time for posting--but I'm always SO glad when you do.

I've been out of sorts recently, generally down, and I found myself feeling a bit irrationally jealous of a few friends, all women, who have also been in sad spaces--one works odd freelancing and editing from home, and when sad, took a month off working to give herself some emotional space; another quit work and spent months doing not much beyond being sad; another just checked herself into the hospital for several days to deal with her depression.

I was talking to my husband last night, and said though I know it's not rational, and in truth I really do not want to trade places with any of these friends--I also have been finding myself thinking about their choices and feeling like--I wish I could take a few days, a month, a few months, off from life.

But I've got 2 kids, a full time job with responsibilities and expectations on me that really could not be filled in the short term by someone else without a large learning curve, and my income supports my family. Opting out is not a choice.

My husband's response was "welcome to being a grown-up, dear." (He also noted that the "choice" to opt out leans towards being more of a choice for women then men, though not universally so--and suggested what I was feeling was not uncommon among men in general).

I should note--I actually fully support my friends in doing what they need to do to take care of themselves, in particular in crisis situations where hospitalization is the safest option--and I'm not at a point where that is really necessary or anything--I just am trying to do my part to maintain those obligations and gazing hmm a bit wistfully at those who get to let go of them for a time.

[lacyunderall.livejournal.com]

i used to long for that kind of mental health break, too. i used to plot with a friend what it would take to get committed; i had settled on smearing myself with shit and running around naked at k-mart.

years ago when i was severely depressed and suicidal, i got to take that break in the mental health ward in queen's hospital in honolulu, where i was living at the time.

other than it being very gentle and the food being bland, i made remarkable art and genuinely have blocked out three of the five days i was there. it was worth it because it kept me alive, but there's gotta be a reason i can't recall those three days. that must have been a really dark place.

there are always choices, they just might not seem that attractive or feasible. they might even take a little bit of extra work to get the coast going...like biking to the top of a really stupid hill so the free-fall down feels delicious.

don't go to that dark place; personally, i'm still not sure what's down there.

[catelin.livejournal.com]

Opting out is not a choice. Oh, do I ever know that feeling! When my kids were small, I used to get sooooo tired. I'd work so hard. Honestly, I look back now and I have no clue how I managed. No matter how bad things were, no matter how bad I felt (and believe me, there were some rough times) I never could let myself go to that point where I stopped being a mother, even temporarily.

I certainly had my pity parties, but I managed...I always managed.

There are, no doubt, people who cannot cope in spite of their best efforts. The abyss takes even the strongest among us from time to time. Those who choose to expend the majority of their energy in self-pity are the ones who often perplex and (sometimes) infuriate me.