catelin: (glasses)
catelin ([personal profile] catelin) wrote2005-12-14 05:07 pm
Entry tags:

Space

The worst part was the waiting. Waiting for the night to be over, waiting to get home, waiting for the vet to show up. Watching the clock until the phone rang with the receptionist calling to tell me they were running late. A reprieve of sorts. Another half hour for him to lay across my chest, purring and nuzzling my chin. I didn't know what else to do but lay there with him and be quiet. When I heard the car door outside I wanted to run and tell them I'd changed my mind, but I knew I couldn't. I could, of course; but it would only get worse and he would only get sicker. The end would still come and it would still hurt just as much.

It's an odd thing to know that a life is going to end. I can't get used to it. No matter how much I wrap my head around it, my heart takes so much longer to follow suit. I didn't cry until I told them that I wanted to be where he could see my face. I want my face to be the last thing that he sees. I don't want him to be afraid. And the beautiful thing? The thing that makes me certain that there were angels or whatever you want to call them there with us? He wasn't afraid. He looked at me and purred, he nuzzled the clippers while they shaved his little leg, he didn't make a sound when they put the needle in the vein. Then he was gone. In an instant. It was so fast that it took me a while to realize it and I just kept petting him and talking to him, even though I knew in my head...but it was my heart that still had things to say to him.

I buried him in the back yard next to the apricot tree. I felt relieved that it was all over. It was the right thing to do; but as is often the case, the right thing is sometimes the hardest of all things. Today I just feel the spaces where he used to be, along with all the other spaces of loved ones that I still miss. I get the impression that all the goodbyes over our lifetimes slowly turn us into honeycombs.

[identity profile] createdestiny.livejournal.com 2005-12-14 11:25 pm (UTC)(link)
I'm so sorry for your loss.

That last line is a gem...

[identity profile] jr-red.livejournal.com 2005-12-14 11:34 pm (UTC)(link)
...it makes the frustrations I have with my own "bad day" seem so insignificant.

I'm sorry for you loss.

[identity profile] ridiculicious.livejournal.com 2005-12-14 11:35 pm (UTC)(link)
That was a beautiful Eulogy and very sad. My heart goes out to you.

[identity profile] rockstarbob.livejournal.com 2005-12-14 11:40 pm (UTC)(link)
I couldn't have done it.

[identity profile] daphnep.livejournal.com 2005-12-14 11:43 pm (UTC)(link)
Thank you.

I mean, I am sorry for your loss, and for you having to experience it, but by writing it out and sharing it with others, you turn it into a gift to anyone who has ever made that decision or ever grieved. Words have so much power, and you have always crafted them so well, and for that, I thank you.

[identity profile] iamkatia.livejournal.com 2005-12-14 11:49 pm (UTC)(link)

so so so so beautiful.......

*HUG*

[identity profile] redsonja.livejournal.com 2005-12-14 11:56 pm (UTC)(link)

In the Summerlands
Golden light filters down through the trees
And our friends are chasing little white butterflies
Batting at heavy-hanging flowers
Crying challenge to jaybird and squirrel
Rolling in patches of catnip
Skittering after rodents
Falling all over each other in play
And waiting for us...
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Re: *HUG*

[identity profile] catelin.livejournal.com 2005-12-15 10:04 pm (UTC)(link)
Lovely. Thank you.

[identity profile] mockngbirdgirl.livejournal.com 2005-12-14 11:57 pm (UTC)(link)
My heart breaks for you right now as tears are running down my face. The love and lack of selfishness you showed him puts so many of us to shame.

Both of you will be in my thoughts tonight, as I look at the stars and as I nuzzle my cat.

-Emily

{{{{{{{{{{Cate}}}}}}}}}}

[identity profile] annulla.livejournal.com 2005-12-15 12:10 am (UTC)(link)
Ah, he wasn't afraid, his suffering is over and you did what you had to do to made it stop. You did the right thing. You did the right thing.

[identity profile] jaguarnoelle.livejournal.com 2005-12-15 12:27 am (UTC)(link)
*weeps*
Brave heart you.

[identity profile] uneasytruce.livejournal.com 2005-12-15 12:30 am (UTC)(link)
God bless you. I'm sorry for your loss. You did the right thing, and our friends count on us to do the right thing on their behalf. Stewardship is the hardest job in the world.

Our friends love us. If the shoe were on the other foot, they would do the right thing for us, too.

[identity profile] javabill.livejournal.com 2005-12-15 12:50 am (UTC)(link)
to be able to depart this world with grace, looking into the face of a loved one, is a rare blessing & the kindest gift one being could offer another.

my thoughts & love are with you.

[identity profile] discowoof.livejournal.com 2005-12-15 12:52 am (UTC)(link)
I never had a huge attachment to an animal before. I was never that close. When I first met my ex, his cat grew sick in the first six months we were together. JR was his name and he was 14 years old.
When the day came I went with him and I watched as they put the cat down. The love between the two of them was so apparent that I, the unattached one started to cry uncontrollably, and they did what needed to be done together.
That night he drank and cried himself to sleep literally. I sat awake for 24 hours trying to comfort him and watching him when he was not awake. The realization that hit me is that it isn't about animals, humans or things. It is about loss. When anything you love that much goes away there is no making it better. There is only weathering the storm and cherishing what once was.
Maybe that day was the reason I never got a pet of my own. Always had other people's around, but never my own. Maybe it's time.
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[identity profile] hobbitblue.livejournal.com 2005-12-15 01:09 am (UTC)(link)
*crying* I'm glad it was a peaceful, gentle parting for both of you.. *hugs*

[identity profile] tweet.livejournal.com 2005-12-15 01:21 am (UTC)(link)
I am sorry for your loss. I know how hard a decision it is and how strong you had to be. I hope you are with friends and at peace. Take care.

[identity profile] eleanor.livejournal.com 2005-12-15 01:34 am (UTC)(link)
I'm so sorry for your loss -- it's so very difficult to lose a friend, of any species.

[identity profile] lolliejean.livejournal.com 2005-12-15 01:44 am (UTC)(link)
If only we could all transition out knowing and feeling all that love. xo ~ Lori

[identity profile] fireangel-999.livejournal.com 2005-12-15 02:06 am (UTC)(link)
Rest in peace sweet kitty.

[identity profile] sun-set-bravely.livejournal.com 2005-12-15 03:03 am (UTC)(link)
Oh, Cate, my heart goes out to you. You are brave and beautiful, and I know that your love led him onto his new path well.

[identity profile] icarus-after.livejournal.com 2005-12-15 03:04 am (UTC)(link)
you may appreciate <href="http://www.salon.com/mwt/col/lamott/2003/11/07/dogs_life/index_np.html">this right now.

i'm so sorry for your loss.

[identity profile] buscemi.livejournal.com 2005-12-15 04:49 am (UTC)(link)
Aw, I'm so sorry. I know how much he meant to you. *hug*

[identity profile] notwolf.livejournal.com 2005-12-15 04:56 am (UTC)(link)
Namaste'

[identity profile] deelight.livejournal.com 2005-12-15 04:59 am (UTC)(link)
Coming to terms with death is the toughest. Hope you're feeling better. This was so heartfelt.

[identity profile] msparker.livejournal.com 2005-12-15 05:42 am (UTC)(link)
It's such a hard decision sometimes, but your heart told you it was right. I'm sorry for your loss, feel it in my bones even. Just last night I buried the one kitten my girl had. That was hard enough. Know you are blessed to have shared his life.

Somehow animals make life worth living. At least to me, anyway.

You're in my thoughts.

[identity profile] mockngbirdgirl.livejournal.com 2005-12-15 07:03 am (UTC)(link)
Almost 2 a.m. (a rare bout of insomnia) in NY and I needed to share your sorrow and the enormity and beauty of your love for your cat with my husband and with drac.

Forgive me if it sounds a bit on the strange side...but, I just read both this entry and the one from Monday out loud to both of them a few minutes ago - we're all sending energy and healing your way.

-Emily

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[identity profile] catelin.livejournal.com 2005-12-15 10:04 pm (UTC)(link)
Thanks for this. It means a lot.

[identity profile] http://users.livejournal.com/_moggy_/ 2005-12-15 12:34 pm (UTC)(link)
sweetness I remember oh dear, I'm crying. I'm so sorry. Always remember what a lovely cat you had and sometime soon the memories will bring smiles instead of tears.

RIP

[identity profile] sheenabizarre.livejournal.com 2005-12-15 01:19 pm (UTC)(link)
i'm really sorry about your loss.
: (

[identity profile] cathead9.livejournal.com 2005-12-15 02:35 pm (UTC)(link)
So sorry, Cate......

[identity profile] spleenless.livejournal.com 2005-12-15 02:56 pm (UTC)(link)
hugs and purrs. You did a kindness not letting him suffer - my condolences.

[identity profile] thepetey.livejournal.com 2005-12-15 03:32 pm (UTC)(link)
I had to put down the dogs i rescued last january, reading this is just about too make me bawl in the middle of work.

I hope the better memories soon fill the holes that you feel.

[identity profile] solipsiae.livejournal.com 2005-12-15 05:45 pm (UTC)(link)
This entry made me cry so hard at work. It's so full of clear love and you have such a wonderful perspective about everything.

Sending warm thoughts your way.

[identity profile] crowgrl.livejournal.com 2005-12-15 06:13 pm (UTC)(link)
I'm so very sorry for your loss. But he was happy, and unafraid, and full of your love when he died. There's not much more any of us can ask for.

[identity profile] schpahky.livejournal.com 2005-12-15 08:34 pm (UTC)(link)
Cate, I'm so sorry. I know you did the right thing.

I'm glad he'll help the apricots grow and I'm glad you wrote something beautiful about him.

so sorry..

[identity profile] suladog.livejournal.com 2005-12-16 07:45 am (UTC)(link)
I know what it's like to lose a pet. I'm so gald it was peaceful and you still have him near you.

[identity profile] themouseketeer.livejournal.com 2005-12-16 12:10 pm (UTC)(link)
So sorry for your loss. Doing the right thing is sometimes so hard to do, but he died loved. {Hugs}

[identity profile] hollow-warrior.livejournal.com 2005-12-16 08:42 pm (UTC)(link)
:::hugs:::