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The worst part was the waiting. Waiting for the night to be over, waiting to get home, waiting for the vet to show up. Watching the clock until the phone rang with the receptionist calling to tell me they were running late. A reprieve of sorts. Another half hour for him to lay across my chest, purring and nuzzling my chin. I didn't know what else to do but lay there with him and be quiet. When I heard the car door outside I wanted to run and tell them I'd changed my mind, but I knew I couldn't. I could, of course; but it would only get worse and he would only get sicker. The end would still come and it would still hurt just as much.
It's an odd thing to know that a life is going to end. I can't get used to it. No matter how much I wrap my head around it, my heart takes so much longer to follow suit. I didn't cry until I told them that I wanted to be where he could see my face. I want my face to be the last thing that he sees. I don't want him to be afraid. And the beautiful thing? The thing that makes me certain that there were angels or whatever you want to call them there with us? He wasn't afraid. He looked at me and purred, he nuzzled the clippers while they shaved his little leg, he didn't make a sound when they put the needle in the vein. Then he was gone. In an instant. It was so fast that it took me a while to realize it and I just kept petting him and talking to him, even though I knew in my head...but it was my heart that still had things to say to him.
I buried him in the back yard next to the apricot tree. I felt relieved that it was all over. It was the right thing to do; but as is often the case, the right thing is sometimes the hardest of all things. Today I just feel the spaces where he used to be, along with all the other spaces of loved ones that I still miss. I get the impression that all the goodbyes over our lifetimes slowly turn us into honeycombs.
It's an odd thing to know that a life is going to end. I can't get used to it. No matter how much I wrap my head around it, my heart takes so much longer to follow suit. I didn't cry until I told them that I wanted to be where he could see my face. I want my face to be the last thing that he sees. I don't want him to be afraid. And the beautiful thing? The thing that makes me certain that there were angels or whatever you want to call them there with us? He wasn't afraid. He looked at me and purred, he nuzzled the clippers while they shaved his little leg, he didn't make a sound when they put the needle in the vein. Then he was gone. In an instant. It was so fast that it took me a while to realize it and I just kept petting him and talking to him, even though I knew in my head...but it was my heart that still had things to say to him.
I buried him in the back yard next to the apricot tree. I felt relieved that it was all over. It was the right thing to do; but as is often the case, the right thing is sometimes the hardest of all things. Today I just feel the spaces where he used to be, along with all the other spaces of loved ones that I still miss. I get the impression that all the goodbyes over our lifetimes slowly turn us into honeycombs.
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That last line is a gem...
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I'm sorry for you loss.
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I mean, I am sorry for your loss, and for you having to experience it, but by writing it out and sharing it with others, you turn it into a gift to anyone who has ever made that decision or ever grieved. Words have so much power, and you have always crafted them so well, and for that, I thank you.
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so so so so beautiful.......
*HUG*
In the Summerlands
Golden light filters down through the trees
And our friends are chasing little white butterflies
Batting at heavy-hanging flowers
Crying challenge to jaybird and squirrel
Rolling in patches of catnip
Skittering after rodents
Falling all over each other in play
And waiting for us...
Re: *HUG*
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Both of you will be in my thoughts tonight, as I look at the stars and as I nuzzle my cat.
-Emily
{{{{{{{{{{Cate}}}}}}}}}}
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Brave heart you.
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Our friends love us. If the shoe were on the other foot, they would do the right thing for us, too.
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my thoughts & love are with you.
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When the day came I went with him and I watched as they put the cat down. The love between the two of them was so apparent that I, the unattached one started to cry uncontrollably, and they did what needed to be done together.
That night he drank and cried himself to sleep literally. I sat awake for 24 hours trying to comfort him and watching him when he was not awake. The realization that hit me is that it isn't about animals, humans or things. It is about loss. When anything you love that much goes away there is no making it better. There is only weathering the storm and cherishing what once was.
Maybe that day was the reason I never got a pet of my own. Always had other people's around, but never my own. Maybe it's time.
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i'm so sorry for your loss.
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Somehow animals make life worth living. At least to me, anyway.
You're in my thoughts.
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Forgive me if it sounds a bit on the strange side...but, I just read both this entry and the one from Monday out loud to both of them a few minutes ago - we're all sending energy and healing your way.
-Emily
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RIP
: (
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I hope the better memories soon fill the holes that you feel.
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Sending warm thoughts your way.
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I'm glad he'll help the apricots grow and I'm glad you wrote something beautiful about him.
so sorry..
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