Riddle Moon

[catelin]

I drink my morning coffee in the cool morning air and mull over all of my failures, large and small. It is the season of ghosts and this is what I do. It is a time when I regret not having the necessary language to describe what it is that I secretly wish for, even for myself. October's moon for me is the Riddle Moon. It is the time when I feel the need to figure something out, to name the secret name, to find the answer to a question I cannot articulate. How can I ever hope to find something so abstract that there is no word I know for it? This is always the difficulty I wrestle as the first hints of fall creep up to my doorstep each year. I miss my grandmothers and I prepare for the loss of my only living grandparent. He'll go soon. He told me as much the last time I spoke to him. I tell him there are still things left to do and he gently reminds me that some things will have to be done without him. My mother is the one I worry about most. She minimizes her connections to people so the losing them won't be so hard. I know this about her because it is in this that we are most alike.

October makes me lonely. It is the month when I am acutely aware of the consequences of my solitary nature. Whether it is a person, place, or particular state of mind that would fulfill me, I am at a loss for it in October. In October, I pay the price for being who I am. It is the month where I have to admit to myself that, in spite of the lovely glimmers of understanding here and there, I have yet to find another person who sees all of me. Is it only a matter of language? Is it a matter of recognizing the right sound or inflection? Is it a particular smell or feeling? Or a particular chain of events that will open my eyes to whatever it is I feel has eluded me? The only thing that does not change is my obstinate determination to be watchful for something that I'm not sure even exists. The only thing that has changed is that I am even more impatient with the false starts and missteps to which I have subjected myself and others in my efforts to put a name to what it is I secretly want to find...or what it is I want to find me.

At the same time, this is the month where I am at my best and most connected with everything I love. I never fail to recognize the fullness of this life I am living, even with all its ghosts. I suppose I am no different than anyone else. Our lives are complex and bittersweet chimeras, pieced together from everything that we have and everything we don't. We probably all try, in one way or another, to search out that Rumplestiltskin moment, where we whisper just the right words to make everything finally fall into place.

Comments

[iamkatia.livejournal.com]

did you get the song link i sent you to BAD DOG NO BISCUITS?

[catelin.livejournal.com]

Yes, I did! : ) Thank you!

[thepetey.livejournal.com]

why is it when the earth begins to sleep,
our demons begin to wake?

[catelin.livejournal.com]

That's a good way to put it, and actually makes perfect sense to me since I believe in some sort of odd universal balance.

[summer-jackel.livejournal.com]

I think that you are an amazingly evocative writer. And I agree with you about October and reflection.

[catelin.livejournal.com]

Thank you for the lovely compliment. There is definitely something about October that makes it a very different month from all the others.

[jourdannex.livejournal.com]

You have captured something about October that I have not been able to...it is exactly as you say, it is a season of ghosts.

[normalgrrl.livejournal.com]

Sounds like it all evens out in the end.
It is the time of year for reflection and divination, so you are right on with your communication and knowledge of yourself.

[wailaki.livejournal.com]

'She minimizes her connections to people so the losing them won't be so hard.'

You just made me aware that I am doing this also, out of self-preservation, I guess. I've been through so many losses, which never get easier, so I find myself becoming more solitary and out of touch. The trade-off, of course, is loneliness, but it is a bargain.

[catelin.livejournal.com]

I don't know that I ever grow so much out of touch as resigned to the fact that loss is part of the big plan somehow. I try never to avoid anything because I am afraid to lose it...which is probably why I have lost as much as I have. The beauty of it all for me is that for everything I have lost, I have always gained something even more precious in return. And that is a bargain that I can definitely live with.

[hopita.livejournal.com]

I always say that everything starts in October, because it does.

[catelin.livejournal.com]

Very, very true.

[lwolf.livejournal.com]

Thank you for putting into words what's been rattling around inside my head. October is still my favorite time of the year, but I think that maybe because I secretly enjoy being in pain.

Still, I can look outside, watch the leaves turn and the earth drift gradually to sleep, and perhaps even forget him, and every other him that's come before him. Love is the loneliest of all the ghosts in October, and also the hardest to ignore.

[catelin.livejournal.com]

Love is the loneliest of all the ghosts in October, and also the hardest to ignore.

Well said and so true.

[quuf.livejournal.com]

I've been searching for that secret name all my life, and my failure to find it has become the keystone of my personal religion. That's all right. I bet you'll find it.

[catelin.livejournal.com]

Oh, I'm betting we all will.

[notwolf.livejournal.com]

by the gods. if you feel lonely, then i'm bound for vaccuum...

[catelin.livejournal.com]

Nah, I'm never lonely for long. My grandmother would laugh and tell me that it's just a dash of salt to sweeten the watermelon.

moon of ghosts

[hellnation.livejournal.com]

So beautiful, so true.
I've been revisiting the art of the whisper; it's great cause I've grown tired of screaming at the top of my lungs.

Re: moon of ghosts

[catelin.livejournal.com]

The art of the whisper. Yes. : )

new distinction

[hellnation.livejournal.com]

it's weird to be referred to as the silent one.
but, i like it. : )

[susanstinson.livejournal.com]

I love October with one of those big sweater, wrap your arms around everything, ripe, ripe, ripe kind of loves.

I love, too, the nuances and yearnings and lonely mysteries of the way you're telling your feelings about October here.

Well said!

[roet.livejournal.com]

You write beautifully!

I stumbled upon your LJ while I was looking at a friend’s memories. I saw that you listed poetry an interest. I can only imagine that if your write prose this beautifully, your poetry must be phenomenal! So do you write poetry? If so do you ever post any, here or else where? I would love to read it. I am adding you as a friend (which I don’t do often to complete strangers) because you have really peaked my interest and I want to here what else to you have to say

Re: Well said!

[catelin.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the wonderful comment. I do write poetry, though not so much lately as I'm focusing on getting a play finished. You can probably find some of my stuff floating out there if you do a search on my name (Cate Compton). I appreciate you taking the time to say hello! : )