Shades of Truth

[catelin]

After a discussion of family histories last week with icarus_after, I was inspired to dive back into the genealogy pool that I've dabbled in for the last few years (my mother was recently kind enough to gift me with a subscription to ancestry.com). I ended up finding census records for my great-grandmother when she was a child. The records confirmed what my mother and I have suspected for a while since I found some other stuff a couple of years ago. My great-grandma and her entire family was listed on the 1900 census as black. She moved from Georgia to Texas with my great-granddad and...voila!...in the 1920 census she was suddenly white! There are so many questions that will never be answered about this and it's sad and fascinating all at once to me. Was she passing when she met my great-grandfather or did he know? This was back in the day of the miscegenation laws, mind you. Would she have ever told my grandfather anything about her past if she'd lived longer? She died in 1925. My grandfather was only 13. His father lived a long time and never said anything about it.

My grandfather is so completely without guile and is completely clueless about any of this. He's 95 years old. Would it be fair, at this point, to take his history away from him? Doubtful. He's lived such a long time perceiving himself to be a certain person. He is, without being a racist, still very much a product of his time. I think it's a safe assumption that he would not be nearly as thrilled as my mother and I. Still, there is something in me that chafes at being party to keeping a secret that was born of such a disgraceful chapter from our southern past. I feel complicit somehow by not telling him. I feel especially tempted to lay it out full force when he tells my mom that he could never vote for Obama because...well..."he's black."

The right thing to do in principle is not always the kinder and best thing to do in the specific. Three generations later, and the compromises that come with the color of one's skin still hold sway. So I hold my tongue and keep my bargain--my silence for the certainty that the last shreds of this shame his mother felt for who she was will live only as long as he does.

Comments

Payback's a Bitch

[forioscribe.livejournal.com]

I understand Karma or Akasa ensures that the bad things we do come back to us fourfold, and in my case it has always arrived promptly and with stunning specificity. So a part of me says that if I have had to endure the painful consequences of my actions, then everyone else should too. However, another part says there's enough suffering in the world, so why increase it? My abusive 89-year-old father died naturally in his sleep with a smile on his face, and his obit says he was loved by all who knew him. Oh, well. Maybe one day I'll get back to my hometown and piss on his grave.

Re: Payback's a Bitch

[catelin.livejournal.com]

I have no problem being Karma's Little Helper in the courtroom, but when it comes to raining down suffering on people in my personal sphere (whether I know them well or not), I balk at that. I do believe that what negative, hurtful energy we put out there comes back to us. That is precisely why I do so pretty sparingly. As for my grandfather, he wasn't the one to decide to hide who he was. That choice was made for him by his mother. I also can completely understand why she did what she did, as a mother, in that particular place and time.

My grandfather is a good man. He's not without his faults, like all of us. The bottom line for me is that he's never done anything that I know of to merit what he would see as such a devastating paradigm shift dealt to him at this point in his life.

Re: Payback's a Bitch

[crapediem.livejournal.com]

Just wanted to sort of somberly say that I think, if similar for me, I'd probably do as you, too.

I've spent my recent years struggling with my own inner conflicts about my family. Understanding/fighting with my own choices, perspectives, etc. What is important or relevant to me is not necessarily someone else's priority. To have knowledge (especially of something I would consider important, or shattering) also means sometimes having the responsibility to consider the impact and relevance of it being shared.

And an important kernel: even if it "proves" something I've always felt is right or truth, albeit painful, is it really vital that it be done to assert my own pride and control over others? The news may devastate some; it may cause conflict. But what purpose will it serve the whole other than to serve my own sense of pride and righteousness. Will it provide healing, though? Also is it "my" secret to share, etc.? It's not really "my" own secret and it also serves really little purpose as it is a secret that preceded all of us now living.

Me, perhaps, I think it's good enough that *I* know about it, if it's important to me. Deliberately sharing it with others (especially those that could be seriously affected by it), is something else. And once revealed, it cannot be taken back except by denial.

For me, though, I think the main point is whether such a secret will give some sort of healing, wholeness, or not. Or if there's such a horrible secret that has been hidden that it would truly serve the world by the timing of it's open revelation and by who it is revealed to.

FYI: I have many personal assumptions and guesses about my own family, but no evidence whatsoever. I'm sure, though, the truth is always stranger and more horrible - or impactful - than even what my imagination tells me.

I wish you much peace in this knowledge you've gained as well as much courage with however you and your family (that knows) deals with it as well.