The Damage Done

[catelin]

My brother is in jail again and very likely going to prison in the next month or so. The details don't matter; suffice it to say that his own appetites and clouded judgment over so many years finally caught up with him. It's true, Mr. Young. Every junkie's like a setting sun. It's been a slow and painful descent to watch, surreal to see this quick-witted golden child become so maimed by his poor choices year after year. I rarely even catch a glimpse of the little brother that I knew and loved when we were kids. I have always readied myself for his death as much as I could, played it out in my head...the phone calls, the autopsy, the reassurances to my parents that they are not to blame. It's sounds horrible, but I'm not so sure I'm as ready for this.

Comments

[omy.livejournal.com]

i'm so sorry, cate.

[lacyunderall.livejournal.com]

fuck fuck crap. call me, woman.

[dlishs-grind.livejournal.com]

sending hugs..

[verbminx.livejournal.com]

!! I'm so sorry. *hugs*

I am reading this book, Paradise by A.L. Kennedy, which I mentioned a few days ago on my lj. The main character is an alcoholic with a successful younger brother, and what you've just written is pretty much exactly what he says to/about her. He makes a secret copy of her spare key so that, if necessary, he will be the one to find her body. Those feelings must be so universal in that type of situation.

Which is an untenable one, and I'm sorry you have to go through it. And him too.

[coyotegoth.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry to hear it; I wish you all strength.

[ex-muzer409.livejournal.com]

I know where you're coming from, I've had some not dissimilar situations with a parent and a sibling. And it's definitely easier to prepare for something definitive than the amorphous.

Maybe, just maybe, this is his bottom, and he can start the long claw back. I've seen it happen where you wouldn't imagine it could. But also, sadly, not. It's up to him, that's the truth.

Best, best wishes!

[sorrento.livejournal.com]

How awful that must be for you. I know many people who used to be deep in the using shit for many years, but have since bettered their lives. And then I've known those who died from it (my stepsister a couple of years ago). Maybe prison is part of the path out of his mess. But still I'm terrilbly sorry to read this. *hug*

[outlaw-jesus.livejournal.com]

i'm so sorry, c.
i don't know that any amount of "preparation" can actually prepare you for something like this. :(

[http://users.livejournal.com/_moggy_/]

I'm really sorry to hear this.

[crapediem.livejournal.com]

Ah, my sympathies. Much strength to you.

[roadnotes.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. (It was my oldest brother who followed a similar path, but both my parents were dead when he died. Still, there's an ache that can't be explained fully to anyone who doesn't watch a loved family member go down such a path.) My heart is with you.

[kudzublossom.livejournal.com]

What can I say to make it better? I'm sorry doesn't seem enough.
Stregth for you, your brother and your family to face this.

You mentioned you mentally prepared your self for his "death",
When my son died...someone remarked to me,
well a least their child was still alive even in if in prison.

I prefer the card I was dealt over the horror of prison.
Stay strong and I'm so very sorry you have to go thru this.

[baldanders.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry.

[sun-set-bravely.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry, Cate, that you've had to be witness to his decline. Free will really does suck sometimes. Good thoughts to you both.

[wailaki.livejournal.com]

Believe it or not, prison is sometimes the lifeline. I've seen it work where family, AA, NA and everything else failed.

I have had a lot of junkies/alcoholics/opium-eaters/speed freaks in my life, and still do. Some active, some not. They all have one thing in common, though. What prompted their behavior was a desperate need to self-medicate and form a shell against a too-painful world, not poor choices. They were never strong enough to have choices. Like people born with mental challenges (ie. low IQ) they work with what the have got. And most of them are all to aware of their weaknesses.

[raindog.livejournal.com]

Thank you for these words. I believe you also speak about my older brother. His suffering in school galvanized my rejection of the perspective that kids will be kids and have to just work out their social relationships in school without adult intervention. "Working out" doesn't happen -- unless the definition of working something out is to inflict or receive soul-scarring abuse. I didn't do enough to protect my brother when we were young.