Ill At Ease

[catelin]

Every few months I have a crash and burn spell. I hit a wall and all the most important parts of me spill out, while I scramble to hold my insides...to keep walking, limping, or even crawling to the next good thing. The call of the next good thing is the only force that pushes my one foot in front of the other some days. It's what keeps me from melting onto myself and disappearing for weeks at a time. Today, the next good thing is dinner with a friend and a poetry reading by Jean Valentine this evening. I rarely indulge in fits of gloom, but I'm so tired and inexplicably sad lately. Last week, someone at work made a very flip comment about how I'm always so happy and together. It was meant as a compliment, but it just pissed me off. Every bit of my contentment has had a price...just because I don't go all fucking Minnie Pearl and let the tags show doesn't mean I didn't pay for it.

Comments

[chaizzilla.livejournal.com]

you put something perfectly there that i hadn't really thought of in that arrangement, but i can't describe what. i did find myself in the mood to tear the head off someone talking about contentment though. but nobody who knows me has had that to say for a while. they will, eventually. wish i could put my finger on it. i do know while i'm paying for it the fact that it later becomes part of the payment on something good doesn't mean shit to me, for me. i'm sick of paying.

[catelin.livejournal.com]

i do know while i'm paying for it the fact that it later becomes part of the payment on something good doesn't mean shit to me, for me. i'm sick of paying.

I know the feeling. It's like you somehow got signed up for a karmic 401(k). Erg!

[chaizzilla.livejournal.com]

if i believed in karma it would be a lot easier to pin down.. it's more like i'm tired of the "even in our sleep" bit in the famous aeschylus quote

in-between days, i already know these couple of crap weeks are going to be over by the end of the week, it just doesn't help now. when i'm up and running i'm getting less and less head in the clouds, the distinction between imprisoned/no prison blurs & the lows lose the sharpness of crisis, the highs lose the euphouria of never coming down again. the word that keeps coming back to be to describe the effect of time on me is, sober.

it's going to be a hard year ahead, i've learned not to depend on whatever i'm going to depend on anyway to get through it, knowing that bashing my way through a year of school will change my life for the better. etc etc. there's microcosms & macrocosms all over the place with it. it's not just the 401k thing, that's just one pain in the ass that i didn't realise was going to have to save my ass as much as it is. anyway, brain's muddled and i'm being obtuse, so... off to keep clawing through to the end of the week

Oh, man!

[buscemi.livejournal.com]

Every bit of my contentment has had a price...just because I don't go all fucking Minnie Pearl and let the tags show doesn't mean I didn't pay for it.

>>That is classic. You're a peach. :)

(I don't show my true self to just anybody, either.)

[anoisblue.livejournal.com]

I hope dinner and the poetry reading is just the thing you need Cate. A friend of mine asked me once why I was annoyed with myself when I got into this sort of a dump. She is a writer, too, and sees it as something to accept, to use creatively, and to experience. I think I had this habit of apologizing for it (still do, actually) but what she said made a lot of sense to me. Life isn't always sunny and we're interesting because we have a myriad of moods, thoughts, emotions, actions... All of you is wonderful.

[catelin.livejournal.com]

Life does have it's ups and downs...and I've always accepted that. But what you say about feeling apologetic hit home with me. I come from a family of stoics, so that's definitely the source of my always feeling like I shouldn't ever talk about it if I'm not feeling good. Today is a much brighter day precisely because I did talk about it. I'm learning. : )

[lolliejean.livejournal.com]

>>Every bit of my contentment has had a price...just because I don't go all fucking Minnie Pearl and let the tags show doesn't mean I didn't pay for it.

Amen sister. No big words of wisdom for you but I'll sit beside you quietly until the darkness passes. Or if you want we can get some of those big foam rubber bats and have a duel until we dissolve in exhaustion and giggles.

[catelin.livejournal.com]

Thanks, doll. : ) It's people like you that make me wish that miles were inches.

[nandan.livejournal.com]

That must be really frustrating. People are clueless sometimes. I hope you feel free to let your hair down and vent or cry on my virutal shoulder any time.

[catelin.livejournal.com]

Thanks, Nan...and the same goes for you! Anytime. : )

[curtankerous.livejournal.com]

"I miss the comfort in being sad."

- Kurt Cobain as produced by Steve Albini

[catelin.livejournal.com]

How can I be sad when YOU'RE BACK!!!! YOU'RE BACK!!! It's a better place here when you're in it.

Re:

[curtankerous.livejournal.com]

Well thank ya kindly.

[fakeazulhair.livejournal.com]

fuck them!

Existe[mos] gente intolerante en todo el fucking mundo...

[[[abrazos]]]
::*

Hmm...

[raindog.livejournal.com]

For some reason, these comments with "fuck" ubiquitously plastered throughout are giving me a happy, humming sort of mood. What's up with that????

Re: Hmm...

[catelin.livejournal.com]

I'm appealing to your inner pottymouth. ; )

Inner Pottymouth...

[raindog.livejournal.com]

HAHAHAHAH!!!!! It used to be outer. I think we're all glad those days are over.

And I was referring actually referring to fakeazulhair or whatever his/her name is.

Shall we talk esta noche?

Re: Inner Pottymouth...

[catelin.livejournal.com]

Heh! She's a "her." Actually, later in the week would be better for me. I'm home today with two sick kids and probably going to bed early tonight...Maybe this weekend sometime?

Re: Inner Pottymouth...

[raindog.livejournal.com]

Whenever it might do you well to chat, big girl. If chatting's not what might dispel your blues, let's wait and connect after the 21st. I've got to take comps that day...

Re: Inner Pottymouth...

[catelin.livejournal.com]

I'm still processing everything and trying to figure out where I am...after the 21st sounds better. Wow! Comps!! So soon! And here I am bitching! I'll be thinking good thoughts for you! : )

[tamperevident.livejournal.com]

? ? ? ? ? Happy Val Day, Love!! ? ? ? ? ?

[suladog.livejournal.com]

Just read your entry where you mention you're going away for a while....I'll miss you cate...the LJ welcome mat at Suladogs journal is always out....take care..hurry back