Rush

For the first time in a long time, I hate waking up in the mornings. I tell myself it's stress--job, money, relationships, derby...you name it. I wake up and in that instant that I realize I'm awake, everything comes crashing in on me and all I can do is wish myself back to sleep. Of course, I don't have the luxury of being that self-indulgent so I pull myself out of bed and slog through the day as best I can. I've been smoking too much again, which doesn't help anything and only serves to make me more disappointed with myself for treating my body so shabbily. I know there are times in life where everything seems difficult, where everything pushes us to the verge of panic. I also know that this will pass. Still, I can't quite place my finger on what's making me feel so out of balance. I suspect it's the failure to make time for myself to be quiet. Everything is always such a jumble in my head these days that I find it hard to be still and reflect on anything. Movement is what has always pushed me through the rough spots, but that doesn't seem to be working this time. I keep thinking I'll have time to rest once this or that is finished, but the next thing pops up and I keep running in mini-crisis mode day after day. It's time to slow down a bit and I'm going to start to put the brakes on a little each day until I get my equilibrium back. Life should never be merely a blur of hard places and things.