Movement

The last couple of days have been the beginning of that awful neither here nor there limbo. I ache to get on the road...until I look around and panic at how much shit I still have to pack! The kids will be flying home next week and I will follow two days later with all the menagerie in tow, along with the fabulous tsarina who has taken such good care of me through all this that I'm going to have to figure out something really magnificent for her in return.

Brightest spot of all yesterday was spending the day with sun_set_bravely. I'm already starting to make plans for her next Texas visit.

I'm pushing through that awful raw hurting stage now where everything is painful. Everything is a reminder of a loss or a misguided desire. I know it softens and eventually ends. My heart's been through this shredder before but it's been a while and I had forgotten how it grinds at you without forgiveness, how it pokes at all the soft spots.

Today, I repeat the line from my favorite poem over and over, breathing through the day.

I am bombarded yet I stand.

I am bombarded yet I stand.

I am bombarded yet I stand.

I am bombarded yet I stand.

I am bombarded yet I stand.


So I tell the shredder, that thing in me whose sole purpose is to sting and prick me from the inside out, to do its best. I have more heart than you've got the fucking appetite for, I say to it through clenched teeth, feeling myself bloodied but raging at that part of myself that wants to make me feel weak and stupid. I may be wounded by all this, but it won't make me forget how strong I am. And it won't keep me from getting where I need to go.