Movement

[catelin]

The last couple of days have been the beginning of that awful neither here nor there limbo. I ache to get on the road...until I look around and panic at how much shit I still have to pack! The kids will be flying home next week and I will follow two days later with all the menagerie in tow, along with the fabulous tsarina who has taken such good care of me through all this that I'm going to have to figure out something really magnificent for her in return.

Brightest spot of all yesterday was spending the day with sun_set_bravely. I'm already starting to make plans for her next Texas visit.

I'm pushing through that awful raw hurting stage now where everything is painful. Everything is a reminder of a loss or a misguided desire. I know it softens and eventually ends. My heart's been through this shredder before but it's been a while and I had forgotten how it grinds at you without forgiveness, how it pokes at all the soft spots.

Today, I repeat the line from my favorite poem over and over, breathing through the day.

I am bombarded yet I stand.

I am bombarded yet I stand.

I am bombarded yet I stand.

I am bombarded yet I stand.

I am bombarded yet I stand.


So I tell the shredder, that thing in me whose sole purpose is to sting and prick me from the inside out, to do its best. I have more heart than you've got the fucking appetite for, I say to it through clenched teeth, feeling myself bloodied but raging at that part of myself that wants to make me feel weak and stupid. I may be wounded by all this, but it won't make me forget how strong I am. And it won't keep me from getting where I need to go.

Comments

[ex-muzer409.livejournal.com]

Tell that damn "shitbird" to shut up. (That's what they called it in this writing class I took.)

I like the buddha bird better, sitting on the shoulder, cheerfully saying "are you ready to die today?" As in are you enjoying, living, honoring, to your maximum fullest, as if you've never seen it before and may never again? Fully appreciating, the best you can be?

And I know, for you, the answer is, "sho' nuff! Now let's get back to that living!" (And you'll be doing that, in this world, for a LONG, LONG, LONG time, praise God.)

[catelin.livejournal.com]

Yep, shitbird is exactly what I'd call that nasty little voice.

I'm getting through the hard part now, before I go...and then it's going to be sunshine and blue skies all the way back home! I actually am glad to be working through most of my ickiest shit here in NJ before I leave. I have a feeling the heaviness I'm struggling with will be left behind here in this house like so much unnecessary crap.

[sivvy.livejournal.com]

'When ever my heart is breaking, I think to myself... I am increasing my ability to feel love."

Catelin, I have been following your journey here. I am continually awed at your ability to speak so eloquently the feelings of the heart. Your will and ability to live so close to the skin inspire me.
Thank you for sharing. Thank you for being you.

[catelin.livejournal.com]

Thanks for reminding me that even pain has a purpose. I really needed to hear that. And thank you for taking the time to reach out with a kind word. It meant a lot today. : )

[lolliejean.livejournal.com]

My heart's been through this shredder before but it's been a while and I had forgotten how it grinds at you without forgiveness, how it pokes at all the soft spots.

Yes. Ouch. I can relate.

So I tell the shredder, that thing in me whose sole purpose is to sting and prick me from the inside out, to do its best. I have more heart than you've got the fucking appetite for, I say to it through clenched teeth, feeling myself bloodied but raging at that part of myself that wants to make me feel weak and stupid. I may be wounded by all this, but it won't make me forget how strong I am. And it won't keep me from getting where I need to go.

I know you wrote this for you but I want you to know that it helped me too. Thank you, Cate. xoxoxo

You will like this song if you can download it.

In The Deep

[catelin.livejournal.com]

Oh, L., it's perfect!! That's us, two little fishies swimming in the big blue sea. We'll get through this, sister. I know us both well enough to know that we'll come out smiling and looking forward to the next grand adventure soon enough!

[lolliejean.livejournal.com]

I'm so glad it spoke to you. Let me know when you're settled and ready for company. I think we need to to howl at the moon together.

Love you girl,

Lori

[catelin.livejournal.com]

Oh, that would be grand!!!! You have a room waiting for you at my place too! : )

[coyotegoth.livejournal.com]

I'm wishing you the best with the rest of this, Catelin. Safe journey, and it was delightful meeting you.

[catelin.livejournal.com]

Thanks! And one of these days, you'll have to make it out to Texas! : )

[rm.livejournal.com]

Hey -- I'm being weird... I know you said to call, but I have this thing about _interrupting_ people -- so when is a good time to call, both to chat plays and logistics.

[catelin.livejournal.com]

Oh, I know exactly what you're talking about...I have that weird thing too about not wanting to bother people with a phone call! But you can never interrupt me, so you'll soon figure out you can call most anytime. : )

As for tonight, how about around or anytime after 9pm? Send me an email with your number and I'll call you, ok? ccompton@gvtc.com

[sun-set-bravely.livejournal.com]

It was wonderful to meet you, too, and your awesome kids! If I was a little less than energetic at times, it's because I was (unbeknownst to me at the time) coming down with a fever and general body ache, which knocked me off my ass when I got home last night. I really am much more talkative than I may have seemed.

[catelin.livejournal.com]

Well, I'm relieved it wasn't something that I fed you while you were here! I saw that little barfing icon on your journal entry and I was all like "Oh no! I poisoned her!"

You were fabulous! We'll have plenty of blab time from here on out! In fact, I'll probably give you a ring tomorrow just to see how you are feeling.

[sun-set-bravely.livejournal.com]

Nope, no poisoning has happened at all! To be honest, I think it might have been a combination of a bad meal on Sunday night, some alcohol, and a cigarette that I smoked. I only smoke occasionally in social situations, and so my nicotine tolerance is very low. Once, I smoked two cigarettes in one day and was sick for 48 hours. My parents would be pleased, but this does not contribute to my burgeoning image as a badass!! ;)

You can give me a call whenever you like. I'm around! And I will do the same.

[tolzar.livejournal.com]

Read my friend
For is this the real you?
Teacher from within
Share what all from within



Mother/Teacher
To those children wanting to know
Of the workings of the world
For they are the future
Within and without
The home we know so well

Shower of things
We all tend to forget to see
Hearing thoughts
Listening to words go by
Having fun in song and dance
Is this why we are alive?

Storyteller/Friend
Sing your songs so sweet
As you begin to teach
And know that our minds grow

Mother/father
Who loves us all
Singing creating
Patterns in minds so young

As we are taught
By Mother Earth
Father Sky
Let us share all we know

Teach them well
My friends
For too soon
They go from
Home to school
Then to the world

So far away
By many days

[chachachana.livejournal.com]

i think of you every day, cate. feel my love going to {{{you}}} and thanks for teaching me, through the sharing of your own struggle, how to be a better person