Steps

Originally, the plan was for him to stay here until the 24th of June, right before the movers came. I told him today that I thought it would be better if he would go ahead and move back to his apartment as soon as possible. I figure that being alone in this house until I move is just that much closer to getting on with the hurting and getting through it. I'm an all or nothing sort of girl when it comes to my heart...that's what got me to this place to start with, I guess. But I don't see the point in dragging it out all the way to the end of my days here. Why should he stay here with me? To assuage his guilt? He likes things easy, in that way where nobody ever talks about what's going on and pretends it's all Just Fine. ™ I can't do that. If something hurts me, I cry. It makes it easier to laugh a few minutes later that way. I can't keep things in, I can't pretend feelings I don't have, I can't wrap everything up in a tidy package so he can go on back to his old life feeling absolved. It was hard telling him to go sooner. It's gonna hurt like hell, but it feels right. I don't need to spend all my last days here watching him pat himself on the back at how well he's squirmed out of this one. He can go do that somewhere else on his own time. That's not anger...that's just me getting back to my old no-need-to-tolerate-bullshit self. And that's a good thing. A very fucking good thing.