Leggo My Ego

I keep telling myself that every bit of pain in all this is going to put me back in balance. I certainly hope that my karmic debts are being paid, if not in full then in great part. I feel really sad, but determined to move through this with dignity. It's hard to meet hard things, to let them wash over you. It's hard to be compassionate while struggling with the sense that you have been treated like a disposable person.

It's not that I even want to be with him anymore. Most of me wants to leave tomorrow and never look back. I know that once I'm gone from here and back in my familiar hill country oaks, I'll probably not give him but a wistful passing thought every so often. But there's still that sick little part of me that wants him to want me back, that wants him to beg me to stay. I know this is pure ego. I know that his failings have nothing to do with me, but it's hard not to get caught in that net of letting someone else's desire to be with me dictate my self image.

I think that part of the lesson in this is to become aware of myself without so much ego, to look at myself without getting it all tangled up in what I surmise a lover might think of me. I see that some serious time alone is in order. It has been so long since I have been completely alone, without a lover. I have always had lovers, generally one at a time, without giving much thought to what their presence in my life meant aside from the obvious. Now I find, for the first time in decades, that I want to hibernate for a good long while. I don't know how that will go for me, really. I love sex. I love companionship. It's odd to think of myself going without another person in my bed for any period of time, but I can sense that's exactly what I need to do...at least long enough to get my head and spirit together. I suppose that is what one would call incentive, eh?

All in all, things are improving with each day that I'm closer to home. I feel any different number of things at any given time. I contemplate lashing out and acting badly at least a dozen or so times a day, but then I don't. I tell myself that, for the next few weeks, I will answer both his selfishness and even my own with compassion. I will be gentle with him. I will be gentle with myself and my children. I will use every painful moment as a teacher, learning (if nothing else) that there is no need to be afraid, learning that I move forward more easily when I shed the old hurts like a battered skin.

And I am moving forward...thankful for the wisdom that comes with even the smallest progress.