End/Begin

When I decided to exchange my one life for the other, David and I were contemplating the possibility of having a child. Because of his circumstances, in vitro was really going to be the only viable option so the fact that I'd had my tubes tied back in 1997 didn't really make much of a difference to the "how" of things. I had always had a deep regret at having myself sterilized, mostly because of the circumstances surrounding the procedure. I was still single, having refused to marry yet again in spite of my swollen belly, I was living in conditions I couldn't have imagined even a year before, and I was so miserable that the only thing I felt I could control in an absolute way was my own body. So I tied my tubes as a way to lash out at the life I was living. It was my way of saying, "Fuck you, circumstance. You won't ever do this to me again." Looking back, once I had extricated myself from the black hole I was living in, I could see that my getting pregnant was not the cause of my troubles. It made me sad to realize that what I did was, in truth, the most extreme form of self-mutilation I could come up with because I was so incredibly hurt and frightened by what my life seemed to be turning into. I had no money, I was living with a man I despised because I had nowhere else to go. Here I was, the strong-willed independent Cate, living in chaos with no immediate hope for anything better. It was the closest to wanting to kill myself that I've ever been. Instead, I chose to make myself as barren as my heart. I did escape that life, bit by bit, over more time than it should have taken...which ultimately brought me to a place where I could, in a sense, take it back. I have had very few times in my life where I was given that choice, the "if you could change it" sort of choice where what had been irrevocable suddenly was not. What I found was that I kept cancelling the first appointment, putting it off, citing so many other things that I needed to take care of first. Then I realized one day that I really did not want to have another child. I am blessed to have the two boys that the universe has given me charge of for a while, but I realized that I don't have it in me to have and raise another child. So now it is my choice, again, to make myself barren again by not attempting to have this other child that I always felt I'd cheated myself out of. What I have found, though, is that the peace of a second chance comes not with the decision but with the fact that I once again had a choice. So I had my last child a little over six years ago. I will not have another one in this lifetime. And that's good. It turned out that I was ready to leave that door closed and move on to different rooms. It's gratifying to realize that I have grown up enough to finally close doors gently behind me where I used to throw myself down flights of stairs.