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So busy in my holiday revelry I almost forgot...I gotta get me a man! Hey, Jim Jarmusch, will you marry me?
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Capricorn(Dec22-Jan19): You will soon meet a mysterious two-armed stranger. Avoid spinach. If you must eat it, perform a discreet tooth-check before you smile.
Aquarius(Jan20-Feb18): One day you will wake up, and decide to wear something. Remember, if you can't find any clean underwear, it's better to simply go without.
Pisces(Feb19-Mar20): You will continue proposing to famous strangers on the internet. Keep this up and you will have a long happy life as a spinster. Oh, wait...that's me. Hmmmm...other Pisceans...You will work at least a couple of weeks this year. Avoid being alone with anyone whose middle name is "Wayne."
Aries(Mar21-Apr19): Someone with a cell phone will irritate you. You will learn at least two new words by year's end. Don't pick your nose, even when you're sure no one's watching...you never really know.
Taurus(Apr20-May20): A rainstorm will catch you by surprise. Eat more cheese. Do not pierce anything else.
Gemini(May21-June21): Be kind to animals. You could run out of gas if you don't keep an eye on the gauge.
Cancer(June22-July22): You know that thing you do that you think is so cute? It's not anymore. At least one big sloppy kiss is in your future this year.
Leo(July23-Aug22): Drink more water! No matter how compelled you may be to do otherwise, avoid liasons with anyone who has a unibrow.
Virgo(Aug23-Sept22): Time to change that hairstyle. You will soon be in the presence of someone older than yourself. Read more Brautigan.
Libra(Sept23-Oct23): You will put one foot in front of the other, perhaps several times in a row. Be extra nice to redheads this year.
Scorpio(Oct24-Nov21): Spring cleaning can do wonders, dear. You will pay a bill or two before the year's end. Drink tequila at every possible opportunity. The cheaper the better.
Sagittarius(Nov22-Dec21): You will receive at least one birthday present this year. Take more bubble baths and you will be happier.
Aquarius(Jan20-Feb18): One day you will wake up, and decide to wear something. Remember, if you can't find any clean underwear, it's better to simply go without.
Pisces(Feb19-Mar20): You will continue proposing to famous strangers on the internet. Keep this up and you will have a long happy life as a spinster. Oh, wait...that's me. Hmmmm...other Pisceans...You will work at least a couple of weeks this year. Avoid being alone with anyone whose middle name is "Wayne."
Aries(Mar21-Apr19): Someone with a cell phone will irritate you. You will learn at least two new words by year's end. Don't pick your nose, even when you're sure no one's watching...you never really know.
Taurus(Apr20-May20): A rainstorm will catch you by surprise. Eat more cheese. Do not pierce anything else.
Gemini(May21-June21): Be kind to animals. You could run out of gas if you don't keep an eye on the gauge.
Cancer(June22-July22): You know that thing you do that you think is so cute? It's not anymore. At least one big sloppy kiss is in your future this year.
Leo(July23-Aug22): Drink more water! No matter how compelled you may be to do otherwise, avoid liasons with anyone who has a unibrow.
Virgo(Aug23-Sept22): Time to change that hairstyle. You will soon be in the presence of someone older than yourself. Read more Brautigan.
Libra(Sept23-Oct23): You will put one foot in front of the other, perhaps several times in a row. Be extra nice to redheads this year.
Scorpio(Oct24-Nov21): Spring cleaning can do wonders, dear. You will pay a bill or two before the year's end. Drink tequila at every possible opportunity. The cheaper the better.
Sagittarius(Nov22-Dec21): You will receive at least one birthday present this year. Take more bubble baths and you will be happier.
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