![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
I burst into tears yesterday. The remark that brought this on was significant only in that it made me realize how changed I was--how changed my life was. Most of all, it made me see that I wasn't the person I'd thought myself to be. This offhand string of sentences from someone younger than me, expressing surprise that anyone had ever found me attractive. There I was, sitting in the car, suddenly feeling like Gloria Swanson in Sunset Boulevard. I sat there and held my tongue. I finally blurted out, "You don't know anything about me!" as I slammed the door and stormed into my office. I'd wanted to scream at him about how I used to be something. How I had a life when I was younger that he couldn't even imagine. How I'd been the object of affection of people who wouldn't even bother to give him the time of day. I'd wanted to do all that until I realized how stupid it would have sounded. How ridiculous I would have been. "I used to be a contender!" Blech! I absolutely love the life I have NOW, but I suddenly felt compelled to defend myself with an image of my younger self.
He called and apologized. We are very good friends and he hadn't meant it the way it sounded. I told him that I know I'm getting old. I can see it in my face. I can see it in my body. I realized yesterday, even knowing I'd feel better the next day, that it bothered me. He suggested that it was because my friend is getting married, and here I am still single. But it's not that. It's not that complex; it's not that deep. What I realized yesterday is that I am vain. I have always been vain and I always thought I wasn't. I always thought that I never cared about how I looked. I've hardly ever worn makeup and most days I can't be bothered to do much more than brush my teeth and comb my hair. I always thought that getting older would be fine. What disturbed me was having to admit to myself that it did bother me. The fact that it bothered me at all fucking bothered me even more! I'd always expected to be above such pettiness. I felt like a boob, sitting at my desk crying over something so stupid. I was supposed to be calm...peaceful and serene...gracefully growing old. And here I was bawling like a baby behind my closed office door.
I finally just told myself, "So what?" So I'm vain. So I've got to start growing into a new face. It's not going to happen overnight. I'll have time to get used to the idea. I'll do the best with what I have and become the fabulous old dame I am destined to be. I am the first night of a full moon and I'll be damned if I'm gonna cry about it any more!
He called and apologized. We are very good friends and he hadn't meant it the way it sounded. I told him that I know I'm getting old. I can see it in my face. I can see it in my body. I realized yesterday, even knowing I'd feel better the next day, that it bothered me. He suggested that it was because my friend is getting married, and here I am still single. But it's not that. It's not that complex; it's not that deep. What I realized yesterday is that I am vain. I have always been vain and I always thought I wasn't. I always thought that I never cared about how I looked. I've hardly ever worn makeup and most days I can't be bothered to do much more than brush my teeth and comb my hair. I always thought that getting older would be fine. What disturbed me was having to admit to myself that it did bother me. The fact that it bothered me at all fucking bothered me even more! I'd always expected to be above such pettiness. I felt like a boob, sitting at my desk crying over something so stupid. I was supposed to be calm...peaceful and serene...gracefully growing old. And here I was bawling like a baby behind my closed office door.
I finally just told myself, "So what?" So I'm vain. So I've got to start growing into a new face. It's not going to happen overnight. I'll have time to get used to the idea. I'll do the best with what I have and become the fabulous old dame I am destined to be. I am the first night of a full moon and I'll be damned if I'm gonna cry about it any more!
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
From:
no subject
"Good for you!" she said. "No one is truly fabulous until they turn 30." She then told me her age -- about 10 years older than I thought she was.
You look fabulous, friend. You are fabulous. Don't let a goddamn soul try to convince you otherwise.
From:
no subject
From:
no subject
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Cate}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
From:
no subject
From:
no subject
you are HOT.
i can only hope to look as stunning in my next decade.
From:
no subject
From:
I'm sure it would've bothered me too.
It always pisses me off when I hear people marvel about the fact that Madonna is still reinventing herself and still going strong at 42. What most people don't realize is that I'm older than her! I wonder what these same people would do if I told them my real age? Faint?
Sorry if I'm getting off on a tangent, but this is a sensitive area for me too.
From:
Re: I'm sure it would've bothered me too.
Re: I'm sure it would've bothered me too.
From:From:
You're so vain, you probably think this post is about you...
You could do much, much worse than the divine Gloria Swanson, my dear Cate. :)
From:
Re: You're so vain, you probably think this post is about you...
From:
I think you are beautiful
From:
Re: I think you are beautiful
From:
Thank you, Cate
From:
Re: Thank you, Cate
From:
no subject
From:
no subject
From:
no subject
From:
no subject
From:
no subject
I was about to say something, when I realized that I was 9 when the woman I work with was flying orphaned babies out of VietNam as the whole country came down.
I might have had a point at some time when I was writing this, but alas, it has left me.
Something to do with feeling old and wanting to yell, "HEY! I'm a hot dude! Stop looking at me like I'm your DAD!!!" Finally, I gave up all thought and just made copies of things. As I would do now if I had a copy machine handy.
From:
no subject
HAHAHA!!! That's it! So I suppose it's not just a girl thing. Your posts crack me up so much, Daniel! (And I happen to think that you are VERY handsome...for an old dude. Heh!) Now go back to your copies...or whatever. ; )
(no subject)
From:From:
You're only young once, old forever.
Hey, I know I would've gladly been Bill Holden in Sunset Boulevard! The ending (and beginning, really) would have turned out a little differently, though...
Gloria Swanson? HUBBA, HUBBA!
From:
Re: You're only young once, old forever.
Re: You're only young once, old forever.
From:From:
no subject
Will you marry me?
Love,
Shasta
From:
no subject
(no subject)
From: (Anonymous) - Date: 2001-06-26 09:23 pm (UTC) - Expand(no subject)
From:Re:
From:From:
no subject
your post really made me sad that you were feeling like that, so I wanted to tell you this!
From:
no subject
From:
Well.....it looks like everyone else has already said it.....
........Daahling.......you look maavalous!
(Do it w/ a Billy Crystal accent!)
;) ~Deb
PS. I've found a journal I really LOVE to read....his name is pjammer......if you haven't found him already.....the story he posted today was really bittersweet and beautiful.
From:
Re: Well.....it looks like everyone else has already said it.....
From:
no subject
From:
Re:
From:
Let me just use the word Hoo Hah
From:
Re: Let me just use the word Hoo Hah
From:
Humble Pie
From:
Re: Humble Pie
Re: Humble Pie
From:From:
And one more thing...
From:
Raindog's a gettin' hitched!!!
From:
no subject
From:
Re:
Re:
From:Re:
From:Re:
From:From:
no subject
From:
Re: