Anniversaire

[catelin]

Four years ago yesterday, I stumbled upon a place that I found through rhondak and her Naked Poetry site. The first LJ friend I made was blackhellkat, who still claims the prize for writing some of the funniest things I've ever read, here or anywhere. She also introduced me and razorart, who became one of my favorite LJ writers and a friend in the real world. Somewhere along the line verian and I became partners in crime. He made me believe in the power of my own words and helped me put together a book of poems that I still think is one of the best things I ever did. I still laugh at the photoshop wars that he and kalliope had in the first year or so I was here. budhaboy made me crazy and made me laugh from the beginning, as he still does. The fabulous zilla girl, chaizzilla, was someone so far away with whom I had so much in common--it was the first hint at the odd syncronicity that LJ always seems to have for me.

_ursa_ tipped his hat to me one day and became the sun. He described me once as the reason that men search for violets in winter. How can I not love someone who would see that in me?

I fell in Mad Love with doctorgogol and I don't think that either of us ever suspected how we would be changed from the experience. He wrote to me recently that he thinks we were ideals for each other and the real people behind them never quite matched up. This is probably true. He still knows me better than I know myself sometimes, so I've learned better than to argue; especially since he's always been gentleman enough to forgive me every sort of fault imaginable. The same sort of kindness and understanding has been shown to me over time by beatnikside and majorweather, making me loyal to them in ways that I could never explain.

Cigarettes and coffee were the glue that bonded tsarina and I together. She is the younger sister I never had but always wanted, she is my friend, she is my champion. She's the one who understands about all those silly southern foibles and graces. She is a never-say-die kind of person who would fight alongside me to the bitter end without question. She is family.

I've forged friendships here with people that are incredible, every one of them a voyager in the best sense of the word. rm is a woman who moves mountains, the only person I ever met who I am convinced leads an even busier and more hectic life than my own. She is also brave and cunning in the sort of way that makes me shake my head and whisper a yes with the secret glee that comes from recognizing the sort of vicious ambition that most women are afraid to show each other. We have a lot of the same strengths and weaknesses, odd similarities in our childhoods that no one would guess from our histories. I admire her in a way that I do very few women.

anonymousblack is someone I watch like a universe being born. She is young and old all at once, and can write words that slice your heart clean through. I am extraordinarily fond of her likeness to Patti Smith in every sort of cool fucking way imaginable.

I've had people reach out to me with gentleness and help when I needed it, coming to my rescue with words or actions. Even though I never got to give roadnotes, baldanders, and eleanor big arms-wrapped-around-neck-like-a-wooly-muffler hugs in person, your kindness to me got me through a lot last year. So thank you. People like coyotegoth, nan and muzer, who took time to come by hook or crook to the strange suburbs where I'd landed, be my friends, and help me pack up to go home.

My sweet friends tamperevident and sun_set_bravely whom I think of as the muguets des bois, like lillies of the valley, each of them with a strength that one would not guess from their slender delicate grace.

There are the MUSES, with intentional caps...the wise women, the soothsayers, the ones who get me, the ones I aspire to be more like. There's raindog, the soulsister I brought to LJ land because I knew she would connect so powerfully with some of you. The newly wedded lolliejean lives with the fullness that makes me grin like a kid when I think of her. She's brash and bold in a way that only people who know the secret to life is love can be. There's bizetsy, chachachana and rockstarbob who give me faith in the future of womankind; iamkatia with her radiance, epiphany with her joyful honesty, lisalemonjello with her spirit, and suladog with her easy warmth give me faith in my own future.

A special mention of her own goes to the Donna, lacyunderall, who is my friend in that little kid, laugh until you pee in your pants, share every secret, never doubt that someone's got your back kind of way that I hadn't had for way too long. She pulled me to shore so many times. If I could, I'd kidnap her and bring her to Texas and never, ever, ever let her leave!

I've come to know people who make me proud to be in a group of mamas and papas who raise their kids with humor and limitless love, who make me feel that I am not alone in my struggles to do right by my children without losing myself or sacrificing my own chances to grow: omy, rubylou, jet, teri_lee, wolfdreamer, spleenless, ariabeltane, wisteria, adianoeta, raveen, weedyseadragon, fireangel_999, and eleanor. I especially honor the last two ladies. eleanor because she has been a mother by her own choice in a situation where a lot of people would have opted for an easy out. I honor fireangel_999 because she loved and suffered more with her three sweet wee ones than I can even imagine, because she swallowed her broken heart again and again to give her children what they needed from her, because she lost more than any mother should ever have to lose in a thousand lifetimes, much less one.

I have been priviledged to know word weavers and picture makers like veenven, wailaki, viedma, jourdannex, blueframmento, violetisblue, lillianleitzel and outlaw_jesus.

I've had mad crushes on many of you at different times for all sorts of different reasons, the kind of crushes that make a girl want to write a particular name a dozen different ways, in a dozen different positions. Some of you: nihilistic_kid, alchemi, bjohnson, emrecom, hobbitblue, sorrento, archon, and drfardook.

I've cultivated enduring soft spots in my heart for some that I exchange few words with but we seem to have grown into comfortable understanding of one another. It's like holding hands with a good friend, not feeling like you need to complicate the perfection of the stillness with a conversation. I sit on the virtual porch sometimes with tafkak, fabulist, daikusei, curtankerous, nickelchief and quuf, watching the world go by and occasionally giving a slow nod without turning our heads. We speak the same language. We see the same things.

I could go through my entire list and tell each and everyone of you something that has made me glad to know you. I hesitated to even begin to name names because I'm sure that I've neglected to mention people who have been so important to me in the last four years. The circle that I've become a part of here is amazing and intertwines itself through my heart in ways I could have never imagined. Even today, I'm expecting two LJ dinner guests--rothko and meta, newly arrived to my neck of the woods and nice enough to share their day with me and mine.

So in addition to the many things I am thankful for today---all the love that I have and the people I have to share it with--I am thankful for my time here and for everything that I've gathered into myself and been able to share with you all. Love is infinite, friendship is all. This is what I have learned in this place, from every single one of you. Thank you.

And Happy Thanksgiving! : )

Comments

[sorrento.livejournal.com]

Woo hoo! Made the crush cut! You make mine as well. ;-)

Happy Thanksgiving!