Exorcism

[catelin]

I got up this morning and there was a dead bird on my front porch. Right outside the front door. It was just barely stiff, one eye open and the other one half-closed. It was a sparrow, bigger and fatter than the sparrows I know but I still recognized it for what it had been. Soft brown feathers, almost red like a cherry coke. I dug a hole and buried it in my daffodils, certain that it was another sign.

I had a dream last night. It was the first time I'd ever dreamed of him walking. There was a storm and we had to take cover. He jumped up with me and we began to run. I looked over at him as we ran in the rain. "You're running!" I shouted, grinning and nodding at his legs.

He laughed and we ran in circles, not even trying to get out of the storm. When the rain stopped, he walked back to the house. He sat down in his chair and fastened the belt around his waist. "What are you doing?" I screamed, "What's wrong? What's wrong?"

His body got smaller and he moved away from me with one of those odd shifts in perspective that you only get in dreams. I stood there, completely astounded, while he shook his head slowly but never said a word.

When I woke up this morning, I told him that I didn't think we would ever see each other again after this. He understands me well enough to know that it was said, not to wound, but simply as a matter of fact. We sleep, we laugh, we fuck. It's almost as if everything worked out and we are living the life that I came here for, in between my packing boxes and secretly wishing I were already home. I try to say all of the most crucial things now...feeling like I don't want to leave myself with any words that belong to him. "There will come a point in your life," I said, "where it will be very important for you to know that someone really, really loved you." I tell him that he should never doubt that, but even as I say it I know that he won't hear it until he needs to. So I tuck the words into his pocket like an emergency handkerchief, knowing he'll remember when it's time.

He seems to believe that this is not going to end, no matter how clear I've been. I don't discuss it with him because there's no point. He's almost child-like in his relief that I am not angry at him. He takes my patience and understanding as a sign that he has not lost me completely. He'll understand soon enough, so my attempts to prepare him for the finality of things are half-hearted as best.

I buried the bird, said a quick prayer to honor its journey, and then came inside. I opened the fridge, pulled out the bottle of champagne from our wedding that I'd been saving for our anniversary. I popped the top, made myself a mimosa and began reading Fierce Invalids Home From Hot Climates by Tom Robbins while I sunbathed on the deck.

Comments

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

It's hard for me not to be very, very angry with him. I have always felt so protective of my friends. When Karen got dumped during the year we lived together, I remember sitting with her as she cried and asking, "What do you want me to do? Do you want me to slash his tires? Steal his car? Egg his house?" Part of me wants to get up in arms on your behalf. But I keep reminding myself I'm trying to be less violent these days. ;)

I could really use a mimosa right now. Stupid teeth.

[lacyunderall.livejournal.com]

i know what you mean. i wanna throw a stick in his spokes. kind of.

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

I keep thinking of my coworker Jackie, who has really bad timing. On the 4th of July, she accidentally chunked a smoke bomb and some fireworks right in the path of a wheelchair bound neighbor. She didn't mean to, and she felt so bad, but this sort of thing happens a lot to her.

[lacyunderall.livejournal.com]

i wonder how bad our timing could be and still be considered an "accident." or we could call jackie.

(kate, you know i kid.)

[lacyunderall.livejournal.com]

and did i just type "cate" with a "k"? what a dork.

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

See, I was just thinking I would bring Jackie along with me. That way it's not our fault, it's Jackie's bad timing! ;)

I'm seriosuly falling down on my resolution to be a nicer person.

[lacyunderall.livejournal.com]

believe me, i probrably won't be an aide on your road to redemption.

nice to meet you!

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

Greetings! Good to know I'm not the only one. ;)

[catelin.livejournal.com]

Amanda's driving home with me! You'll definitely meet in person when you come visit! : )

[catelin.livejournal.com]

It's hard for me too. On one level, I really despise him for all of this. The bottom line is that he is a pathologically selfish, childish, and dishonest person. I try to think of him as being about 18 years old, because my theory is that when he got hurt his heart stopped growing and his spirit started to atrophy along with his limbs.

The truth is that leaving him with love is for me--not him. I'm going home with a clean and proud heart.

There's absolutely nothing we could do to him that would be worse than what he's going to have to endure from here on out. I'm quite certain of that.

But I agree...in a perfect world, I would have put a bullet in his fucking eye and been home months ago. ; )

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

That's been my theory too, that with the accident he stopped growing and never learned how to deal with people. Everyone had to learn to work around and with him instead. In a way, that's really sad and you're right. There's nothing worse we could ever do.

There's been a lot of rain this year. Should be beautiful when we get back.

[catelin.livejournal.com]

I shudder to think of my poor, neglected yard. At least I'll be getting back in time to plant things for the fall season. That I'm getting back at all, to everyone and everything I've missed so terribly, is nothing short of a miracle!

[tsarina.livejournal.com]

Well, I would certainly love to spend more time at the Little House. So I'll bring Alan and put him to work in your yard. ;)

Think of the hot tub!!

[notwolf.livejournal.com]

even tho its jus fer a tenday or two, i need yer address again, por favor...

and my number has changed: 580.369.0162.