![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
I think that I shall look back on 2001 as one of those significant years. I've had them before. My first was in 1973. That was the year my mother decided that my long blonde hair was too much to handle and she had it all cut off into this short pixieish monstrosity. That was the end of the "such a pretty little girl" phase and the beginning of the "surly tomboy outsider" phase that lasted until my last couple of years of high school. I remember being surprised when my hair grew back in a honey-red shade instead of the variegated blonde I'd had before.
1977 was also a big year, as years go. It was the first year I went to Mexico...the first time I went for weeks without speaking English. The first time I had an inkling as to how big the world really was and how many possible futures I had in it. It was the beginning of my love affair with a culture that is as much a part of me now as my own.
1983 was the year I had my heart broken. It wasn't a spectacular story, stereotypical, really; but the pain of it had me catching my breath even years later.
1986 was the year I broke off the only really serious engagement I ever had. I was going to marry a tennis player from Mexico City whose family owned shoe factories. I had long Clairol blonde hair again and everyone would say in Spanish "such a pretty little girl" until I decided that wasn't what I wanted to be...not even en español.
In 1994, I made very big differences to a few people. I won an asylum case for a couple from Liberia, both of whom had been viciously tortured. I won the release of a classical violinist from Armenia, so she could be with her husband. They had a baby girl that is named Katya, after me. : ) I got a young crack head from Romania off the streets and into rehab after several tries. He's married with kids, working, happy. I'm very proud of this year.
In 1995, I had my first child and all of the changes that come with that. I was scared to death, alone, lonely. I decided to get back to Texas as quickly as I could...it only took me a year or so. In 1997, I had my second child. This was the year I took the Texas bar exam, 8 months pregnant, working three jobs, and living in a trailer with people I despised. It seemed I'd sunk to a new low. I worked my ass off and got out of that space in my life as quickly as I could.
1998 was the year my worst fear, that everyone I loved would leave me, came true. I lost my best friend, my brother ripped me off and disappeared from my life, my parents didn't speak to me. Everything that I was most afraid of happened, and I survived. I realized who my friends were and that I wasn't nearly as alone as I perceived myself to be. I realized that I was strong enough and stubborn enough to find happiness in even the bleakest landscapes. I did the whole Scarlett O'Hara "as gawd as my witness" thing, except instead of never going hungry, I was never going to be ungrateful again...for anything. Sort of the same concept, I suppose.
Of course, every year of my life is full of memories and milestones...these are just the ones that stand out this morning. But this year in particular has been filled with a lifetime of memories. This is the year I saw my very best friend close old and ugly chapters to open new and beautiful ones, in a new place, in a new home. This is the year that I found my voice. This is the year that I learned to ask for things I really wanted, even though I was afraid of being told "no." This is the year that I discovered the value of friendship, and that there is no shame in having an open heart without regard to whether others do or not. This is the year I learned to cut ties and listen to my own better judgment. This is the year I learned the importance of friends' advice. This is the year that the world changed in ways so profound I am only still beginning to grasp what it is we've lost and what we shall need to find again. Most of all, though, when I look back at this year, I will remember one thing above everything. I will remember this as the year that love found me over and over--in the letters and calls from friends, in the shared stories and lunches, in the jokes and the photos and the wonderful exchanges that reminded me of everyone's value, including my own. This will be the year that Big Love became more that just another wacky theory of mine, and just its existence is enough...but it came with so much more than mere proof of itself that I'm left with no words, just a big silly grin on my face. This has been one of the hardest, happiest years I've had so far. Hope we can all say the same. Happy New Year.
1977 was also a big year, as years go. It was the first year I went to Mexico...the first time I went for weeks without speaking English. The first time I had an inkling as to how big the world really was and how many possible futures I had in it. It was the beginning of my love affair with a culture that is as much a part of me now as my own.
1983 was the year I had my heart broken. It wasn't a spectacular story, stereotypical, really; but the pain of it had me catching my breath even years later.
1986 was the year I broke off the only really serious engagement I ever had. I was going to marry a tennis player from Mexico City whose family owned shoe factories. I had long Clairol blonde hair again and everyone would say in Spanish "such a pretty little girl" until I decided that wasn't what I wanted to be...not even en español.
In 1994, I made very big differences to a few people. I won an asylum case for a couple from Liberia, both of whom had been viciously tortured. I won the release of a classical violinist from Armenia, so she could be with her husband. They had a baby girl that is named Katya, after me. : ) I got a young crack head from Romania off the streets and into rehab after several tries. He's married with kids, working, happy. I'm very proud of this year.
In 1995, I had my first child and all of the changes that come with that. I was scared to death, alone, lonely. I decided to get back to Texas as quickly as I could...it only took me a year or so. In 1997, I had my second child. This was the year I took the Texas bar exam, 8 months pregnant, working three jobs, and living in a trailer with people I despised. It seemed I'd sunk to a new low. I worked my ass off and got out of that space in my life as quickly as I could.
1998 was the year my worst fear, that everyone I loved would leave me, came true. I lost my best friend, my brother ripped me off and disappeared from my life, my parents didn't speak to me. Everything that I was most afraid of happened, and I survived. I realized who my friends were and that I wasn't nearly as alone as I perceived myself to be. I realized that I was strong enough and stubborn enough to find happiness in even the bleakest landscapes. I did the whole Scarlett O'Hara "as gawd as my witness" thing, except instead of never going hungry, I was never going to be ungrateful again...for anything. Sort of the same concept, I suppose.
Of course, every year of my life is full of memories and milestones...these are just the ones that stand out this morning. But this year in particular has been filled with a lifetime of memories. This is the year I saw my very best friend close old and ugly chapters to open new and beautiful ones, in a new place, in a new home. This is the year that I found my voice. This is the year that I learned to ask for things I really wanted, even though I was afraid of being told "no." This is the year that I discovered the value of friendship, and that there is no shame in having an open heart without regard to whether others do or not. This is the year I learned to cut ties and listen to my own better judgment. This is the year I learned the importance of friends' advice. This is the year that the world changed in ways so profound I am only still beginning to grasp what it is we've lost and what we shall need to find again. Most of all, though, when I look back at this year, I will remember one thing above everything. I will remember this as the year that love found me over and over--in the letters and calls from friends, in the shared stories and lunches, in the jokes and the photos and the wonderful exchanges that reminded me of everyone's value, including my own. This will be the year that Big Love became more that just another wacky theory of mine, and just its existence is enough...but it came with so much more than mere proof of itself that I'm left with no words, just a big silly grin on my face. This has been one of the hardest, happiest years I've had so far. Hope we can all say the same. Happy New Year.