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I am a series of pins and tumblers...sort of a puzzle box in the flesh. I know that about myself more so now that I have a bit of perspective on my past. There's this whole series of words and deeds that I've carried in my head for longer than I can remember...the answer to the riddle that no one ever solves. What may strike many as my capricious nature is, in reality, just the opposite. I have clung with ironclad resolve to this secret combination, waiting to hear the tumblers ease themselves into place. You know what I'm talking about, right? Those words that you wait to hear...not "I love you"...that's the easy one. It's about love, but it's also more than that. It's the other words...the ones that may be a random string of syllables that have such a significance to you and only you. The ones that startle you and make you look more closely, that give you a sense of recognizing a long lost friend. It's the gestures that are more instinct than thought...the brushing back of your hair from your eyes, the way he rests his hand at the small of your back when you're nervous in a crowd, the way he says your name.
I've had some of this, each piece of the puzzle solved a story in and of itself...but I've never had it all and never in the right sequence...very near unlocked a couple of times, but in the end, I remained a half-answered question. But when you get close...very close...close enough to make my breath catch when I wake up the next morning and remember that you slipped by some of those secret words so smoothly that I didn't even realize it until I'd dreamed you for a night...then you get homemade chocolate chip cookies. I can't tell you the details of when or how I will ever recognize Big Love, because the answer to the riddle is something that even I won't know until I hear it...but I know that the smell of vanilla and brown sugar is always a promising sign.
I've had some of this, each piece of the puzzle solved a story in and of itself...but I've never had it all and never in the right sequence...very near unlocked a couple of times, but in the end, I remained a half-answered question. But when you get close...very close...close enough to make my breath catch when I wake up the next morning and remember that you slipped by some of those secret words so smoothly that I didn't even realize it until I'd dreamed you for a night...then you get homemade chocolate chip cookies. I can't tell you the details of when or how I will ever recognize Big Love, because the answer to the riddle is something that even I won't know until I hear it...but I know that the smell of vanilla and brown sugar is always a promising sign.