"So, what do you do for a living, Honey?"

And so it began:

Innocuous Answer: I'm a lawyer.

Cocktail Weenie: Really? I guess I'd better be careful then. You might sue me for sexual harassment. Ha ha. [snuffles like a pig, adjusts his crotch]

Innocuous Answer: No, I don't sue people. [wondering exactly how many times this dude's gonna check to make sure his microscopic penis is still intact, giving my friend across the room the silent "get me the fuck outta here" signal]

Cocktail Weenie: So do you have those uni-sex bathrooms at your office like Ally McBeal? I love that show. Do you watch that show?

Innocuous Answer: Yeah, I've seen it. No, we don't use the same bathroom.

Cocktail Weenie: So what kind of lawyer are you?

Innocuous Answer: I'm a prosecutor.

Cocktail Weenie: Wow. Like on The Practice? I sure do like those lawyer shows. Do you put people in jail? I'd better take the fifth then, huh? Ha ha. [moving closer on the sofa, exposing me to his stink-breath and need for some serious dental work]

Innocuous Answer: Yeah, sometimes. [moving back a little, thinking this guy already took the fifth and drank it]

Cocktail Weenie: Well, whaddya say we get out of here, beautiful, and you can put me in handcuffs and tell me some lawyer stories? It'd be nice to screw a lawyer for a change instead of the other way around. Ha ha. [puts his arm around my shoulders and tries to nuzzle, laying this little gem of a proposal on me]

Innocuous Answer: Sure thing, stud. [smiling real sweet, hissing in his ear] What story would you like? The one about the couple that cracked their baby's skull and then burned her up in a trash barrel? Or maybe I could tell you about the funeral last week for a cop friend of mine that got shot in the face? That'd make you real hard, I bet. Or maybe you want to hear about the crackhead who was pimping her 11-year-old daughter for drugs and now the kid's got AIDS? That's a real turn-on. Or the little boy we found whose father stomped him to death? I have stories to last us weeks. Just let me get my coat, lover. [noticing the guy's looking a little pasty all the sudden]

Cocktail Weenie: Jesus Christ...you're...an...angry cunt.

Innocuous Answer: Yeah, sometimes.

(no subject)

Hey, Dwight Yoakam, will you marry me?