Exchanges

[catelin]

Finding Is Losing Something Else

Finding is losing something else.
I think about, perhaps even mourn,
what I lost to find this.

Richard Brautigan


I had lunch the other day and, as is my habit anymore without putting much thought into it, I caught small snippets of conversation from the surrounding tables. Most of the other patrons were younger. I work near a college so the cafes are full of fresh-faced earnest post-teens out to set the world (or at least their weekend date's pants) on fire. I didn't hear anything that caught my attention in particular; just the usual floating words that accompany those awkward times. Almost all of them had to do with love and desire, along with the posturing and preening that accompanies this stage in life. These puffs of heartfelt hopes and yearnings tickled my ears like whispers of songs to which I could no longer remember all the words.

I drove back to the office and as I made it into the parking lot, it struck me. I had lost my innocence. Not that it was gone altogether; I still hold onto bits and pieces of it from time to time, but I'd lost the giddiness of it. I'd lost the blind faith that it once provided me. There was a time when I would have expected this realization to be unbearable. Had someone told me when I was younger that it would come, I'd have scoffed at the cynicism of such a thought. But now...after enough years as witness and participant in some of the best and worst that a life on this planet can offer, I felt peaceful with it. The loss of innocence has not meant the loss of wonder...I am certain that I appreciate many things more deeply than before because I realize their value. More importantly, I realize their price.

I'm not sure when or how the wide-eyed young girl metamorphosed into who I am now...part mother, part warrior, part sage, part child (yes, as you grow older you remember that we are all someone's children). My heroes are different--more brave to me because of their fragility. It left me with the urge to not waste any of it...to chronicle the poignancy of something that I haven't found the words for yet. I walked back into the office feeling like a snake that had just shed its skin.

Comments

Thats beautiful...

[raveen.livejournal.com]

Do you write for a living? ... every time I read your entries... its as though I am reading from a novel... your writing style is quite eloquent!

[sorrento.livejournal.com]

sorrento
2001-05-07 22:39
This is very touching. Thank you. Would a loss of innocence be the right term? Perhaps it's the loss of naivet?. Most grounded people keep their principals and ideals, but have learned to sift out all the extraneous "blind optimism." You did not indicate here who your evolved heros are, but I'm guessing even they have that giddiness still deep inside them.

Many, if not most, of my favorite artists, composers, filmmakers and writers didn't find their creative blossoming until their later lives; they had more to tell then.

[doctorgogol.livejournal.com]

"The innocent and the beautiful have now enemy but time." --Yeats

I've always felt that innocence was the most overrated of virtues, something to be well shut of as soon as possible. Wonder for me has always been tied to knowledge and experience... I couldn't wait to enter the bittersweet mysteries of adulthood. Perhaps the fact I realized early on how bittersweet they were says something about the level of my innocence.

On the other hand, I was always prey to idealism. Even when I knew the score, I could fool myself into thinking that this time, this instance, would be the rare exception that proves the rules. My idealism has shrunk to a manageable size now, contained in only what I can accomplish, by my own hand.

Hmm. That was rather more than I was planning to say, but I think I'll let it stand.

Re: Thats beautiful...

[catelin.livejournal.com]

I wish I wrote for a living!! For now, I just live to write. Thanks for the lovely compliment...that really made my day! : )

[catelin.livejournal.com]

"Blind optimism" is exactly how I would put it! I don't think that it was such a bad thing to have...I had it when I needed it. I think there is something to the idea of a creative blossoming later in life. I have found it to be very true in my case. I think it has to do partly with losing a lot of the fear that binds us when we are younger, as well as having more experience to draw from. I have always had the sense that I was going to be a grand old lady. ; )

[catelin.livejournal.com]

I agree. It's definitely overrated; I can say that I've suffered fewer slings and arrows without it. It's definitely nice to reach a point in one's life where the idealism is balanced with common sense. An example: Whereas I once thought that loving someone enough could change them into a better person (the classic Beauty & the Beast syndrome that even the brightest women fall for), I now know that I cannot change anyone but myself...yet, overall, I am always hopeful that people will decide to change for the better. The cynical optimist or the hopeful cynic? I'm not sure. ; )

[doctorgogol.livejournal.com]

True, you cannot change someone who isn't already looking to change themselves. But I still believe the dying Beast when he says "Love can turn a man into a beast, but Love can redeem ugliness." That's been very true for me, at least.

[catelin.livejournal.com]

Ah, the lovely Beast! It is not that I would callously abandon him to his own fate. Love does, indeed, redeem much of what is ugly in us and around us. I have merely learned that a lady does well to distinguish between the noble beasts and those who are simply...beastly.

[leisaie.livejournal.com]

I have to say you're lucky, Cate. You at least lived your innocence for a while, but I am only 12 and I never did. People would tell me I am innocent because I am a virgin because of my age, but those are the people are the ones who are innocent for not seeing what innocence really is.

[catelin.livejournal.com]

Yes, indeed. I've had lucky stars as a backdrop for most of my life. I can't imagine being 12 and writing something like that...but times have changed, haven't they? My childhood was full of great adventures and dreams, and I was lucky enough to have those memories to anchor me when the rough seas of adolescence tossed me about. My first thought was to tell you that I'm sorry you have somehow missed out on the joy and abandon of enjoying your childhood, but then that seems a bit condescending. We all have to find ways to take the best from whereever we find ourselves, I suppose. My hope for you is that you do as much of that as possible. : )

[leisaie.livejournal.com]

What gets to me is how fast you grow up after you realise that you're not a little kid anymore. I blame everything on Hemingway, Vonnegut and Monty Python (don't ask!). It helps to blame it on someone, as is true for most things.