catelin: (Default)
([personal profile] catelin Feb. 22nd, 2009 08:05 am)
Spring and fall have always been the big mile markers for my life, reminding me to look around and pay closer attention to the journey--both toward and away from possible destinations. One of you posted recently about things you have learned about yourself...I cannot recall whether it was within a time frame or not. Mine is not, but I wanted to document some of the things I've pondered lately, about myself and other things, before I forget them again.

  • People are strong and fragile. We don't get to know which until after the fact. We can endure all sorts of physical catastrophes and survive--or not. I've seen people come out of the other side of beatings, bullets, and car crashes while others die from the flu. I can't figure out the difference. I don't think it's all part of any grand scheme where some of us are doomed from the beginning and others are born lottery winners. I sense that it's so much more complicated than that, without really understanding it at all.

  • There is such a thing as evil and it is very real. I used to not believe this at all. I used to think that what we called evil had explanation and history to be found in other problems. I believed it was a name for all the multiple symptoms of the issues of wo/man. I was half-right. I do think that evil has explanation and history, but I am quite certain that it exists on its own and works itself into the cracks and crevices of our world wherever it can. It is opportunistic and exploitative. It can also be fought and even beaten sometimes.

  • Water is more important that we can ever comprehend. Drought is ugly. It's here with a vengeance. The lake is drying up and just to the northeast, cows are dying in herds because there is nothing on the ground for them to eat or drink. It has made me feel ashamed for the arrogance with which we live, taking so much and assuming that there will always be more. There has been no planting this spring, just maintenance of what is already here and composting for next year. I pray for rain every day. It will come when it comes, but this has been a dry and terrible lesson for us all.

  • Moving through to the other side of bad things is vital. Life can be brutal. That brutality can come in big whacks to our pee-pees or it can seep into us through numb routine. Either way, I think the trick is to be joyful--even if it is the smallest, most secret tendril of joy--every day. For me, the more open my expressions of gratitude, the better I feel. Pass on your joy, pass on your sense of luck.

  • Being nice to people makes us feel good. It may sound silly, but it's true. Being nice to people makes us feel better than acting like assholes. I'm still trying to figure out if it makes me feel better to be nice to far the answer is a resounding no, but I'm always open to reconsidering my position.

  • Connection with the people we love is what it's all about. Love one another. That ain't no bullshit.

Not any earth-shattering revelations, but still things that I want to remind myself of here and there. This year still seems so much a recovery from last year that it's hard to see it on its own, with its own character and shape. The year without difficulty that I keep waiting for does not exist, but every year has been good and this year is good too. I keep learning and relearning. That process never ends. Thank goodness.
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